Making connections with your children.

My boy at 3.5 years.

I once heard some very wise words.
Not from someone famous.
Nor a 'child' expert.
A mum from the church I went to, who was a leader.
I was very young. I think Abie (now 24) was a baby.
I was very new to the whole 'mummy' thing.
This speaker had three children.
She spoke very openly about the two she got on with and the one she did not.
She didn't speak in a negative way, but rather she spoke about never wanting to make him feel any different because they did not connect so well.
She spoke about her struggles to find out his interests and share these. One was fishing which she hated with a passion. Instead of just continuing to hate it, she asked questions, read magazines and went out with her son.
She said to be encouraged because as an adult he told people what a great relationship he had with his mom when he was growing up.He never once was aware of her struggles.
At the time I could not imagine there would be a point where I would not have any common ground with my children.
Now, 24 years later her words of wisdom have, so many times rang loud in my ears.
'Don't loose them'
'Show an interest in their lives and the things that are important to them'
'Take time to find out'
'stop being so busy'
......and many many more.
Recently I have found I have had to work hard to reconnect with my 10 year old son. As a baby and then toddler we were very close. He was 2.5 years old when Joshua died. I lost a son, he lost his playmate. We both felt the pain acutely and still do. In the long very dark months after Joshua died he kept me going, gave me hope and gave me a reason to get up and not crawl immediately back to bed. Up until about a year ago we were still very close. Then he began to drift. His interests changed and so did he.
We no longer had the same 'middle ground'.
I had to start to find one.
With my eldest son this is easy as he is good at art and we share this common ground.
I looked hard.
I found two things, his love of the outdoors, and his passion for Star Wars, it's fair to say, neither were that appealing.
I bought some seeds and we have planted and grown carrots and tomatoes.Not world changing but enough for the little times we were together in the garden to really count. We chatted about how we will do things better this year and what other things to en corporate and grow.
Connections.
Star wars was harder. I loved it as a teenager but since then it has not had any lasting influence on my life. I gradually broke my way in at Christmas with a Star Wars game. I have read my way through the characters and can now tell a clone from a droid from an alien. Be impressed!
I am about to embark on watching the full series of films with him. I think I am mentally ready.
He is very excited and we talk a lot about the story lines and how important they are. He is proud I can tell appart the characters of the game, if a little disapointed at my blinding run of wins against him.
Connections.
These connections have helped re establish a relationship that could have so easily got lost. It happenes so gradually that we do not realise.
As I go through the child rearing motions with so many children I have had to make and remake connections. I have learnt about lego building, grit elite scooters, musical artists whose names fail me and endured concerts listening too, hairdressing techniques (involing being the 'demo' head pain extreemes!) , horses (urgh I still can't stand them), product designing and much more. Although most of these things I was initally not interested in, because my children showed such enthusiasm, I became interested.
It is so worthwhile.
I will always be grateful to June, and her speech. Without it many connections in my realtionships with my growing children would have been lost I am sure.