A mother's grief revisited.....

Our beautiful beach that always gives me peace.

I have not been writing so much this past week because I have felt emotionally drained.
What little emotional energy I had left needed to be given to the children.
Grief Sucks.
It REALLY sucks.
Just when you think you have the whole thing wrapped up, sorted and under control you realise that you don't and it rears its head again in a form you would not have dreamt of.
Anyone who knows me well, knows I like to be organised. I like to have things planned. I do not enjoy surprises, they catch me off guard.
I have ,over the past 8 years since loosing Joshua built a 'safe' world around myself. One where I can pick and choose the situations I put myself into. Of course in teaching this cannot always be the case, however it is an environment I am familiar and at ease in.
Last week I had a catalyst of events that left me so tired and drained I actually made it to bed before midnight! (the last time I did that I think was when I was 14).
It all started with Mother's Day. A double whammy now. Not only do I miss Joshua, I miss my mum and treating her on this special day. It was also the twins birthdays, their first ones, I felt a huge wave of sadness that this was in all likelihood the last of my babies first birthdays ever. Yes, I know I will have lots of grandchildren, but for me that is not the same. These are my last babies, and they are growing up way too fast.
On Monday , I received a phone call asking me to appear on a radio programme either Tuesday or Wednesday to talk about Joshua and the charity. The interview wasn't hard and I felt I did a good job explaining things, however just being asked questions again, in a different way and being the 'bereaved parent' was tough, as most of the time I no longer see myself in that way.
The twins have been up a lot at night, and added to that mix my hay fever and allergies have all got really bad. Even my stronger antihistamines are not working so I have been scratching my eyes out and they are all swollen and runny too.
I was editing some photos of the twins later in the week.It suddenly struck me anew how facially alike Caleb is becoming to Joshua. How bitter sweet this is.
All in all, not a great week really.
I need to be more aware of my emotions and not to be so hard on myself sometimes. I need to be careful what I do and plan around this more, instead of just diving in without a second thought.
I need to remember I am now grieving twice, very differently, but there's a constant pain there still.
I am truly surprised at the intensity of my feelings this week.
I hope for a calmer and more peaceful week to regain my balance again.