Happy New Year Musings...

Happy New Year.....
How glibly we say this. Yet for many it hasn't been a good year and I am guessing for many they don't feel the next one will bring much happiness either. The economic downturn has left many without jobs, homes, or hope. Globally disasters this year have seen many loose loved ones as well as their homes and livelihoods. Uprisings have left many living in fear and uncertainty, and closer to home, my charity has given out well over 2,000 boxes this year, which means 2,000 bereft parents...and there are many many more.
I am not a huge fan of New Year these days. I vaguely like the fact that a new year can be a clean slate and a chance for change, but no more so than any other day of the year really!
Growing up in a proudly Scottish family, New Year was huge and from an early age I remember my parents holding large, noisy parties for all their friends and neighbours. As we lived 'in the south' I think they felt it their birthright to introduce the unsuspecting 'southerners' to the scottish customs.
One of my earliest memories was my half cut mother (normally very self composed) doing the highland fling on the dinning room table! I, as an only child, would creep downstairs and watch the antics from the safety of the bannisters. Some drunken friend would invariably find me and swoop me into their arms and into the trust of the celebrations, my parents by this stage being too tipsy to care! I loved those times.
Then my father died, when I was nine and things changed forever. My mother mourned his passing until the day she died some 38 years later, but she tried to make an effort for me. We went to my best friends home, where her family kindly invited us for a few years following his death. We played card games, ate and talked and sang in the new year with ABBA! It was great for me, but looking back I am guessing it was probably a huge act on mum's part.
As I grew older, New Years were celebrated in our house, in our pj's in front of the TV. The neighbours, always remembering my mum was a Scott, banged on the door at the strike of 12 with coal and a drink for her. We went to a few parities along the way, but both enjoyed staying at home really.
After I went to university, I always came home for Christmas and New Year and my boyfriend (now hubby) joined in as well. Gradually as the years wore on, we married and children came along, our little gathering grew and grew.
I am not too sure where my dislike for the whole event came from, however I rather suspect it was after my first miscarriage. No longer were the things I planned or hoped for to be taken for granted. Was the next new year going to be one of happiness or was I going to suffer yet more disappointment? It became a thing to be somewhat dreaded as after a miscarriage, then an ectopic pregnancy and then secondary infertility, I watched my peer groups families grow, whilst mine remained the same.
This was further excentuated the year Joshua died. As the new year approached so my anxiety increased. I felt the new year meant I was leaving the year he was born in, and that meant somehow he was getting further away and I couldn't bear that. It wasn't a very happy one, I really tried for the children's sake.
This New Year I watched the fireworks from London with my very precious little 9 month old baby girl in my arms. I felt very very blessed. Last New Year I was still reeling from the pain of loosing my mother 6 weeks before as well as praying the amazing twins I was carrying would be okay and grow strong and stay put.
As for next year? Well we have a few firsts. A 1st birthday for our little twins, as well as the 1st of our children getting married. I hope and pray it will be a good year.
Resolutions? Well one certainly, to enjoy every moment possible and to appreciate what I have, the important things in life, and try not to get bogged down in all the insignificance.
I wish you all a good new year.

How to get what you want when you want by Mair

Mair wakes fairly early. Anyone who knows us, knows we are not a family of early risers, but rather night owls, all of us. Must be in the genetics!
This morning Mair wanted her breakfast NOW. Realising she wasn't going to get far with mum and dad who were busy feeding and changing the twins, she resorted to her two older brothers, who are a bit of a soft touch with her at times.
'Wake up I NEED my breakfast"
Silence.
'WAKE UP BOYS'
Silence.
Mair shuffles back to her bedroom, then.....
'Hi-ya!!!"
'Ouch, ouch, get off Mair, okay we will get up now...'
Having tried unsuccessfully to wake them the conventional way, she had got her Aladdin sword, climbed onto their bunk beds and started attacking them!
I must remember this when school starts and luke sleeps through his alarm!
Interestingly she has never tried this on any of her teenage sisters.....obviously she has worked out she would receive a less favourable reaction!

An instrument of tourture

No this not a tool of punishment for our children.
Rather it is the pink microphone our eldest daughter bought for Mair (5) for Christmas. She must have spent a considerable amount of time weighing up the toy that would wind us up the most! Maybe she thought our house was just a little too quiet and needed to power of Mair singing at least ten decibels above her normal level to brighten things up? who knows!
Mair on the other hand adores this new addition to the growing pile of plastic crap around our home. The first two days following Christmas were not too painful as all the shops were sold out of C batteries so she just had to pretend. This was bad enough given Mair has only one voice level -loud! Well, she is of course no 9!
Mair loves to sing, all the time, a rather odd mix of pop songs and nursery rhymes, often when the words are forgotten to one tune they will be added from another.This proves interesting to say the least. Much as her father and I try to ingrain the traditional rhymes, she shares a room with her 18 year old sister so we are fighting a loosing battle with Rihanna, Bruno Mars, Drake, Tinnie Tempah and Lord knows who else!
Her loud voice has many benefits. She was chosen as the narrator for the school play. We pondered the choice given she had two pages to read, and cannot read very well. However we had not bargained for her confidence, retentive memory and loudness! Again at the school Christingle service she was given a solo 'Away in a manager', I doubt if she will win x factor but I am sure the residents of the area surrounding the church were all serenaded by her as well!
On a recent shopping trip to Outfit Mair spotted her ideal show ground. All the static models were on platforms, so as the music played in the background and Mair recognised the song, up she sprung onto one of the podiums and sang her heart out to a somewhat bemused but captive audience! That's my girl!
And so to the microphone, or instrument of torture. It does not just increase her loudness it adds beats, music and worst of all applause! She is in her element. I can only pray the batteries run out soon. The local dance school's bi annual show is in June, so thankfully she will have a more suitable platform to display her talents on....we cannot wait!

Having Twins.....

Tonight looks like another long, sleepless one as both twins have colds and coughs to join the pain of teething. I think I have been awake longer than Santa this year!
As I am taking all the older ones out to the cinema tonight to see 'New Years Eve' I thought I would blog now.

After some rather pessimistic posts I decided I should really be a bit more upbeat. What is better than to mention my beautiful twins. I get rather sad when I take them out and everyone says 'Twins! double the trouble'. No actually, they are not. I must have said this about a hundred times when we were at the sales. More like double the joy. What a blessing to be sitting here typing with these two wonderful little people both in their baby bouncers laughing and giggling at me?
When I was 28 weeks pregnant I was rushed in for a scan as I had a few things in my urine, it escapes me as to what, I lost track! It was very late by the time I arrived as I waited till I got the youngest ones in bed. I had to wait for the scanner and eventually he came to my room. The Dr scanned me with a midwife present. As always, Caleb was hopping around like a lunatic, Anya who was always pretty quiet, was worryingly still, in fact absolutely still, and it took over 15 mins to even find her heartbeat. I cried and asked if she had died, as the Dr and midwife exchanged worried glances. When her heartbeat was eventually found, the relief in the room was audible.
I have never, ever forgotten that moment, and how I felt. Every time I feel really tired or one of them winges I remember it, and the absolute joy I felt when I new they were both healthy and safe.
Having twins is not double the work most days. Yes it's very full on and hectic. It is sometimes hard to give them both the attention they need if they demand it at exactly the same time, but there are ways and means of achieving this. I love seeing how they gradually relate more to each other, how they are company for one another and the special relationship develop.
I have already had girl/ boy twins, who are now 15 and my husband is also a girl/boy twin. I feel very very lucky to have another set, and looking after them is such a privilege, even on the back of no sleep!
However you do need to be organised. Very organised. In term time this is quite easy as there is a set routine we follow. In the holidays this is much harder. twins, without a routine are hard work as we are now finding over again! It unsettles them and us! They are waking later, sleeping at very odd times and going to bed later. I for one cannot wait for my nice organised life again! It's lovely to be able to have more time to watch them develop relationships with their elder brothers and sisters. I could spend all day watching them, they fascinate me that much. Mair, in particular is so funny with them. Yes, we have had to stop her 'kindly' giving them her plastic toys (with small detachable parts) peanuts, and God knows what else, but she does love them to bits. With such a large (5 year) gap between them, this is our biggest gap and we are thankful she has adapted to her 'baby of the family' place being usurped  not by one, but two babies.
So if you are pregnant with twins, be encouraged. If you are not, just make sure you don't say twins are double trouble or as a national newspaper recently quoted 'double the burden'!

Rearranging the deck chairs on The Titanic

This is how I feel after every Christmas. I hardly ever covet other people's things, however after Christmas there are three groups of people I envy:
1. Those with larger houses.
2. Those with a garage!
3. Those with a large attic.
I do not necessary want all of these, one would be good. Half my house sits outside in the garden in stacker boxes and I love the feeling of space. I am now faced with the dilemma of not only fitting all the new stuff we have accumulated over Christmas in, but I still have to fit all the old stuff from the garden back in as well.
It is an never ending process and often we feel we achieve nothing much, hence the analogy to the Titanic!
Today was most defiantly one of those days, where the downsides of a large family are evident, unless you are mega rich and have a large house, large garage, large attic and cleaner! We worked hard all day but have nothing much to show, there's still a mess everywhere and the kids are moaning they didn't sign up for tidying just 3 days after Christmas, I take their point, I didn't either but it's a draw back I accept.
There are open boxes full of my most favourite job of all (not) packing up the outgrown clothing. Urgh. It takes days. There are the boxes for the attic (haha like we can squash in anymore, I am however optimistic to the end) bin bags to give to people of clothes that are fashionable and therefore will not stand the test of time in the attic, and lastly the bin bags for The Salvation Army or Homeless. There is also the small pile of off cuts I keep. I once read a book about a grandma that made a quilt out of all her favourite children's clothes and I hope to do this too one day, so all the memory clothes are cut up ready for this task.This would be manageable  with a few less kids, for me it takes about a week. Now the majority of the kids are older I was optimistically hoping they could do this themselves but I still seem to be packing up most of it. hmmmmm......
So onwards and upwards tomorrow in the bid to achieve the impossible and repack our house, neatly ready for the next busy term ahead.

Large families and busy sales do not mix well.

So here is the annual dilemma, take all the children to the sales, let them experience learning how to behave and spend their own money wisely or stay at home, shop online and keep them out of sight.
A hard call, especially today on the back of zero sleep, curtsey of teething twins.
But, as always, I decided to take most of them (eldest do not live at home, third revising, or so she said. Maybe a cunning plan to just escape).
We took seven of the kids in the end including the twins, who generally are not lovers of retail therapy one bit.
There is a hard and fast rule with all our shopping trips, someone always manages to get lost and someone always ends up in a bad mood (given we have 4 teenagers and one pre teen this isn't too unusual).
The last shopping trip to Primark, my 17 year old posted on her facebook, and her friends thought it "legendary' and all want to be part of our family, for all the wrong reasons. It involved a very bored Mair (5) slinging coat hangers over the banister onto unsuspecting shoppers travelling on the lifts. She was meant to be looked after by her 15 year old brother whilst mum scurried around finding clothes for the rest! He obviously so nothing wrong with this unorthodox pastime until the security guard caught them both. Round one to the security guard. We then found the only vacant seat to pile up all the clothes for 9 children on (The had all grown inches this year). When we got back with another pile the 15 year old (yep him again) had got bored and wandered off and the security guard was phoning for someone to sort out the mess. Round two the security guard. We achieved the prize of the longest Primark bill (which we embarrassingly keep winning) and left the store with a sigh of relief. As we were outside packing the buggy and dividing the bags, the security guard appears with a very perplexed Mair in tow. "I was playing hide and seek and no body found me!'...perhaps Mair it would have been good to let us know you had gone to hide? Round three the security guard.
I was really hoping for a less eventful trip this time. Given the huge crowds in Chester today this was looking unlikely, especially as the only family member with a mobile phone was Dad, so he could ring no one!
Yes we lost someone.....my 15 year old son, who wandered off to Burton never to be seen again. Gradually as all the children reappeared from looking at their respective shops he did not. Time wore on and all the kids were getting restless and hungry. Both Dad and I searched to no avail, so I found a security guard and he announced over the tannoy "Can Luke Beavan please meet his mother outside Ann Summers'. Oh God! I hadn't for one minute realised the shop we were standing outside until then! Anyway at least he appeared within seconds! (he had been in the changing rooms)
And for the moods..... they inevitably happened too. The thing I hate about the sales is the impulse buying. When we go shopping it is because the children need clothes and shoes and I have a long list for each child. The sales mean randomness and buying items we do not need, and will regret later. So much of today was spent sounding worryingly like my mother 'are you sure you need that?", 'but you already have x number of those'. Those comments lead to moods....... thankfully pretty short lived.
The lady in Zara got pretty fed up with us as all her sales items were wrongly marked in our favour so she had to keep cancelling the bill and starting again , as I reminded her of another wrongly priced piece of clothing I received the 'evil eye'. The children are trained in the saying ' don't ask for it unless it has a 50% label on, so Jack Wills and All Saints were defiantly to be avoided!
We did achieve all that we set out for and a little more. I do enjoy watching the children sift for bargains and realise how much the things they wanted are reduced and how much they have saved, as these are valuable lessons they will need when they leave home in the sadly not so distant future. I did not enjoy towards the end the melt down of the younger ones resulting in two of them hammering each other with reduced wrapping paper rolls in Paperchase. This is when we look like the stereotypical 'larger family' and people give you those 'your children are out of control looks'. Generally they did well, were polite to the people who stopped to ask about the twins and how many other children we had and I am sure, when the sales appear again, we will once again brave the crowds.

Boxing Day Dippers

Jay, Nina and their partners.

Today in Llandudno , the annual Boxing Day race into the sea was held. Two brave couples who support our charity (Joshua's Boxes) and have sadly both lost babies, were brave enough to run into the sea for sponsor money!

It was a great atmosphere on the Prom in Llandudno and lots of people of all ages joined in. Thankfully it was no where near as cold as last year when Jay's husband and his friend braved the waters and raised £545 for the charity. I , however was not the one getting wet and Nina and Jay assured me it was pretty cold!

With Jadon Gardiner. 

Without these sort of fundraising events our charity could and would not survive. It is a very small charity, and everything we earn goes directly into supplying our boxes. There are no wages and very little outgoings at all, other than directly for the boxes themselves. I am very proud and blessed that in the 8 years we have run the charity we have never not had enough money to provide these boxes and have never gone in the red! This shows the commitment of all the people over the years who have given their time and helped us.

I just wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU! to you all. For at Christmas, it is a time to be thankful, and I truly am of each and every person who has helped to maintain these boxes in the hospitals we supply. I could not have done this without you!

Remembering Joshua

When you loose a baby, your life changes forever. Nothing is ever quite the same again, and every happy family event is always tinged with sadness , aware of the gap where that precious child should be.

Since Joshua died 8 years ago, we have thought of meaningful ways to celebrate him. On Christmas Day we visit the little chapel in the hospital where he was born locally. It is where his name is written in the book of remembrance, as well as being the first hospital I ran my charity in, and where all my subsequent  rainbow babies were born.
They have thoughtfully in more recent years placed a tress of Remembrance in the foyer and the children always enjoy writing messages to Joshua and placing them on this. For two years now, we have also placed on it messages for their Gaga, my mum as well. We also bring and light candles and remember too, the other precious baby's of my friends, new and old as well.
Before I lost a baby, this would have seemed a rather sombre thing to do on such a happy day, yet I am pleased how much the children all still enjoy going, and how meaningful it is to them ,as well as us.
It is of some comfort, amidst all the noise and haste of Christmas, that I can take a few special moments to remember the little son who isn't present, opening his lego, and playing with his siblings as he should be. For him there was a different plan. We love and remember you too this special day!

Joshua James Beavan 16-19-09-03

Our Christmas

Half the table!

Ever since living and working in Prague, 14 years ago, we have celebrated our Christmas meal on Christmas Eve, as they do in Europe. We much prefer it this way for many reasons, which have changed as the children grow.
when they were little it was lovely to dress them up at night and have our meal, and then open some gifts. They went to bed late (so slept in!) and also it made them a little calmer as they had opened some gifts before going to bed as well. Having our meal out of the way meant on Christmas Day we could spend the day chilling with them and making up endless rounds of lego and game sets instead of stressing about a meal! instead we had lots of leftovers, party food and a birthday party for Jesus (lets remember why we celebrate this day!)

Opening family presents

As the children have got older it remains a great way to celebrate as we can have everyone together on Christmas eve and then the older girls can go off with their partners for lunch on Christmas Day, no arguments or disagreements! Sorted! They children still enjoy the relaxed feel to Christmas Day and the 'help your self' styled meals.
It does however mean we have to be super organised by Christmas Eve, and this is not one of our strengths! With so many to buy for, it can mean a bit of a last minute dash and wrap!

I love the traditions and quaintness the europeans have managed to preserve, much of which we seem to have dropped now. I hope we can maintain our special family traditions which take a little of the stress and pressure away from Christmas Day for us, and help us to spend time with our children on their special day more.

Why taking your kids to the theatre is so important.

I havent written for a while. I had a few months where I was unsure I wanted to blog for many reasons, however now I am back.
Tonight I took the children to the theatre to see 'Aladdin". I was tired, and haslted and seemed to have spent most of the day dashing around the shops, taking kids to a variety of places and yelling at the ones left at home to help instead of being glued to yet another Christmas TV programme, despite several warnings they need to ask permission before switching on the TV! If truth be told, dragging myself out in the wind and the rain, let alone changing , doing my hair and make up was the absolute last thing on my mind, but I went, and I am so very glad I did.
I am reminded that no matter how cringe worthy Panto's sometimes can be, there is something very magical about them too. The story line isn't exactly taxing on the brain, the songs are a mix of contemporary and old favourites and the jokes and a bit weary at times but I laughed! The children, young and old, still got sucked into the 'He's behind you' lines and oooed and aahed at the new 3D effects and special effects. To sit and watch my kids was as enchanting, if not more so than the panto it's self. The costumes are amazing and the energy put in by the performers night after night is commendable.
In an age of TV and very fast moving programmes, I am constantly drawn back to my memories of living in Eastern Europe, where going to the ballet or theatre was a weekend event. Everyone got dressed up and off they went. Whilst I appreciate the rather huge price difference which meant this was easy to do, I still thought the principal was very quaint. I hope we never loose this tradition in favour of quicker easier forms of entertainment. I will forever remember being taken up to London, by my father to The Festival Hall to watch The Nutcraker Ballet, some 40 plus years ago. i can still remember how magical it was and also, as my father died when I was nine, what a sweet memory of my time, however brief with him.
I would recommend the theatre to anyone! It was a fantastic experience and I will cherish the memories of my children's excited faces long after the paper and cardboard of Christmas Day has hit the re cycling!