The 'short' break.....

We are going on a short break during our children's half term week.
One of the perks of teaching is at least we get roughly the same holidays as the children.
The downside for me is I am part time, hourly paid so in the holidays I don't get paid at all!
The upside is we can spent time together with out rushing around.
Sadly the eldest three cannot come with us this year, so we are taking just 7. Seems an ever decreasing number. Something over the next few years I am aware I will have to get used too, as the next three are very close in age (twins then 16 months later) so will all leave in a flash.
Gosh that will take us down to 4 children, not very big at all.
Anyway, so we leave tomorrow.
We are visiting the Garden of Remembrance in a crematorian in North London where the ashes of my mother, father and baby brother are scattered. Since mum died I have really felt the need to go there, which is odd. As a child I refused point blank to visit my father and brother, so the first time I went was to scatter mums ashes a year ago. It is a beautiful place and I am so glad I have made lots of decorations to hang on the tree where they are.
Whilst down, we are also taking the little ones to Legoland and the elder ones to Thorpe Park (God bless those Tesco vouchers!).
On the last day we are visiting London for the day, exhausting with the twins but I love reliving my misspent youth when my best friend and me used to tell our parents we were going shopping in Kingston and then hop on the fast train to central London instead!
I thought it would be easy to just 'bung a few things in a bag' but it's now 1.30 am and I am just finishing up. I did not calculate that one, or rather forgot we still have baby twins and all the parafanalear that comes with them as well!
I maybe away from here for a few days, but will up date our trip with pictures on my return.

Some things you should NEVER do with 19 month old twins..

Take them to Abakan Materials by your self.
Why?
Because they have yet to install a disability lift meaning you have to take the babies out of the buggy and haul them up the steps.
Then somehow you have to look for the material and patterns whilst two babies crawl/run in different directions, tipping out the materials, climbing on the seating, try to dive bomb the staircase, push all the pattern books off the table, fighting for the same things.......
You get the picture!
I must have lost at least a stone in sweat alone!
And looked like a lunatic with a baby under each arm a bag of materials and three patterns in my mouth!
The babies continued in this mad mood all day and evening.
They went around the house like a human hurricane, tipping out cupboards, drawers and having a splashing match in the downstairs toilet-yuk.
Must watch what I feed those two!

Bootcamp blog

This week has been interesting because I have had yet another cold and all my allergies have flared up again. Because of the awful cold I have had no energy and certainly did not feel it would be a wise idea to exercise outside in the cold and wet.
I read a really interesting article which has perhaps changed my mindset slightly.
Why diets don't work when you are over 40.
This really does describe where I am up too and what I feel.
Yes, I know I can loose the weight as I did for Abigail's wedding, however I have also seen the way it goes on so quickly the minute I break from it.
There are times I just want to eat normally, not excessively, but enjoy a meal, a normal meal with the children.
So I am trying a new approach, instead of denying myself so much and then having a binge every few days, I am simply eating what I want when I want, within moderation and also with loads of healthy meals as well.I am cutting down on sugar and carbs as my allergies have all flared up as well so I need to be careful there.
I desperately need to get back into an exercise pattern that works for me this year, as yet I do not feel I have managed this.
So still a bit of a bootcamp blunder at present.
Determined somehow to get back on track.
Does anyone else have these moments?

The 'Nanny' state

An incident happened today, a very quick one,yet one of those unsettling moments when I feel I just want to haul my child out of school and educate her at home.
As you know I am generally a huge fan of state education, we both work within it and I feel that by and large my children have benefited from all the opportunities it affords.
Today wasn't a good example.
Mair has started a new school this term, because her wonderful little village infants closed due to lack of children!
This school is generally regarded as one of the best in the area, however in certain area I am, as yet not convinced.
Mair has been finding school harder this year (she enters year two) there is a lot more work and homework and she has been very tired. We have had to make sure that she is in bed much earlier in order for her to cope with the days work.
Last night we had our balloon release in memory of my mum. Mair got to bed a bit later, so this morning we let her sleep in. I phoned the school to inform them I would bring her in later. This is something we have always done with our children, especially when they were younger if we felt they were just not coping well with the longer days and increased workloads.
I took her up to the school at 9.30 am and was met in reception by the deputy head who asked me why she was late. I said we had decided to let her sleep in, too which she replied , were we aware that every late is now recorded on simms? (the computer system) this meant that the statistics would show every absence for the school (the sub text here being this would effect their school data, placing , etc) she said if Mair were late and a pattern showed then the school psychological service would have to be contacted!
I gave her a 'gob smacked' look! so many things went through my mind.
In the end I just said, if letting my child sleep in because she was tired warranted the school psychological service being contacted then please do so and I will be happy to speak to them and explain her absence.
With that I kissed my little girl and left. The most important thing was she was happy and unaware of the rather uncomfortable recourse that had just gone on.
I came away and fumed. I fumed at the condescending way I had been spoken too, but worse still I fumed at the fact a school is more concerned about their attendance data, than about a little girl's health and well-being.
For God's sake!

Saying it with balloons

There's something therapeutic about releasing balloons .

We go to the beach every year to release them on Joshua's birthday and now we go again a month later to release them for my mother, and the children's 'gaga'.

To release a balloon with a message on it helps us to remember those we love. The messages are private and personal and a token of our continued emotional attachment to the person who has died.

Although we have all been on an aeroplane and 'know' theoretically that heaven is not up in the sky , there is still some sense of watching the balloons fly high to another place, just beyond our reach where our loved ones are that brings peace to us all.

Whatever your theology, for us it helps. We take some time out of our busy lives to remember those who can no longer be with us, but whose presence is greatly missed by all.

We are so very fortunate to live in such a beautiful place that makes it very easy to do these things privately.

I hope, where ever my mum is she enjoyed watching us all on the beach tonight and I hope our messages reached her, somewhere. I like to think they did.

The children all love going to the beach and doing this each year, I just pray for a long time we will only have to do this twice a year.

Nineteen years ago

I was sitting on my lounge floor on a ton of newspaper, student lodger grudgingly turned off Red Dwarf and shuffled off to bed, the midwife came with gas and air and I was in labour with Susie.
Nineteen years ago, last night I had cycled, yes, CYCLED to work and was halfway through teaching my evening class on graphic design and calligraphy when I began to get contractions. After a while they became quite regular, my class sussed me out as I kept glancing at my watch.
They shot out faster than you could say 'labour'.
My boss locked up my bike and drove me home.

We called the midwife who was a close friend and prepared for a long night ahead.
I was booked for my first (and sadly last) home birth.
It was a fantastic experience, despite the fact I could only have gas and air and a shot of pethadine.
I was relaxed, Simon was happy to be in his own home and so involved, the doctor just poped in a couple of times and Abigail, who was six had asked to be there and was a keen, if chatty!  helper throughout.

Because we had no car and I had been cycling a lot that day and teaching in the evening I was quite exhausted. She would have been born by 3 am, but I just gave up for a few hours and eventually she arrived at 5.30am. Abigail had chosen her baby grow and cardigan and helped weigh and dress her.

Once we had cleared up we just all sat around chatting and eating toast! It was so relaxed and Susannah Maire was a chilled out little baby. Miriam who was two, woe up with all the commotion and came down as well, as did out student lodger, grumbling at the noise I had 'apparently' made.

Susie continued throughout her childhood to be a very laid back and easy baby and toddler. I am forever grateful for the unique experience of a home birth, it was amazing.

The more active day

We went to The Greenwood Forrest Park today. Simon and I, Jono, Mair and Anya and Caleb.
We felt SMALL.
We used to take Abie, Miriam, Susie, Luke, Bella and Martha as well.

They all chased around making up games. We used to stay all day, take lunch and be the very last to leave, well we still did that tonight.

I felt sorry for Jono, he had a great time, died laughing at the babies who were so funny and encouraged Mair to go on the roller coaster, but he missed his older sibs and the fun he has with them.

Bella works in a Cafe on a Sunday and Luke and Martha both felt they had too much work to do to be able to come. Susie was out and we didn't manage to contact Miriam in time. Abie and Ella were already out somewhere else.

The sun shone brightly, the autumn leaves were stunning and the scenery as beautiful as ever.

Jono and Mair benefitted from being on their own as they both got a drink and snack, something we rarely did with all the children in tow! so there are some benefits.

It was lovely to watch the next generation of children get just as much pleasure out of The Greenwood Centre. We go every year and buy a season ticket. It is expensive but we save and it means we can then go as much as possible for the rest of the year without worrying about an expensive day out.

Every year something new is added and it's all child friendly, safe and ecologically sound as well.

We love our times there, and as the children grow I will continue to have so many happy memories of all our years spent in this place.

The peaceful day

Today, I still feel awful and full of cold.
No matter how I tried my mind kept going back to 'this time two years ago'.
Re living events, and wishing the time could be turned back, that things were different.
I was 18 weeks pregnant as well, I think I am also sub conciously grieving the fact that will not happen again as well.
We went out today to Conwy Water Gardens for a walk with the four youngest for a walk and to feed the ducks. It was lovely and quiet and peaceful and just what I needed. Anya is now walking steadily and held her little bucket with seeds in with pride. Caleb was utterly frustrated at this!
We came home, plonked on the heating and sat down to watch the Snow White movie, 'Mirror, Mirror" which was great.
It was lovely to just take all the pressure off and spend time with the family on such a sad day.

Bootcamp blog - the wilderness/get back on track period

The title rather says it all doesn't it.
I seem to take a step forward and several back at the moment for a variety of reasons.
Starting work again, the children starting back at school, all their activities and social lives and their ages.
Put all that in the mixing pot and it doesn't leave much time.
To gain the weight loss and fitness levels I managed for the wedding, not only took an enormous amount of self control and hard work, but also a lot of time away from my family at tea time, which is very stressful to do on your own, with the twins who are now quite demanding, everyone else and usually an activity run or two.
I felt just too guilty to continue this, and also, as there wasn't any gain in the children's eyes any longer, it is hard to justify this time away.
I have been quite ill, first with my skin and allergies and then with another bad cold. I have realised when I am ill and sick and tired I just cannot be bothered nor want to eat healthy, all I want is a cup of tea and some toast.I have gone with this at the moment, so my weight loss has fluctuated from very good to back up and awful.
I must admit by last week I was totally fed up with it all.I had measured myself and round the top of my legs and my knees(my chubby areas) I had put on 1.5 inches since the summer. I was heartbroken after all the hard work to loose it that it could go on again so easily, asI have been careful what I have eaten.
My conclusion is that at 'my age' (the most hated of phrases) I need to exercise as well.
Then help came in the form of a face book advert for a fit mums bootcamp. Whilst I don't really want to pay more money this was appealing, only 5 mins from my home and at a much more suitable time. I went on tuesday for my first session-outdoors in a playground in the semi dark! I managed to get the twins to bed before I went and dashed back to read to Mair and get her to sleep too.
The session is a bootcamp style but caters for mums so fits into our lifestyle and timescales. I again have to give up caffeine, bar one cup, alcohol (okay not quite there yet) cakes and fat carbs (not a huge sacrifice) and most dairy ( a huge sacrifice) .
The menu is less limiting than the last one I did and there are more recipes to choose from. I came back refreshed and inspired.....until about 5 pm the next day when the pain hit! oh boy have I got some ground to catch up on.The next day I developed the lousy colds the twins have had. Tonight I was just too ill to go.Getting to work and teaching all day then dashing Mair to Ballet and then swimming was about my limit!
So onwards and upwards to next week, when I will hopefully feel better, eat better and return to bootcamp or fit camp for mums!

The twins

Beach buddies

I love these two little guys so very much! I love my 'Twinnie Tuesdays' that we just chill and spend our days together. Wednesdays we go to Mum and Toddlers and Thursdays we got our somewhere. We leave nice and early when the children have all gone to school and get back usually for some sort of nap.

Captivated by Mair's bathtime.

These two are into everything, all the time, all day. Anya tends to instigate everything and Caleb follows her around the entire time. This is an exact repeat of Bella and Luke, 16 years ago! How weird is that! In fact so much of the twins personalities are so very similar to the first set of twins we had. The eldest twins love to play with them and watch them.They often ask if they were like that.

In the garden

No matter how many children I have, not how close their age gaps, there is something truly unique about having twins, and I have been so blessed to have them TWICE! The always have a little play mate and someone there. Although they have to learn how to share their parents at a very early age, my eldest set of twins have been far easier and far more placid and less demanding than any of the other children.I am sure this is because, from an early age they learnt to wait and to know they could not have all of somebody's time. Even breastfeeding needs to be done together! No escape from that other little person!

Raiding the drawers

I must admit, I am enjoying having them so much and appreciate them so much more than I did the first time. I was very busy, we lived overseas, I had three little girls and by the time my first set of twins were 8 months old I was pregnant again, five children under 6 years old. Although we spent every moment with them, the sheer business of life made me feel I had not fully enjoyed the time I had with them. This time around I was determined, no matter what, to never feel this. It hasn't been easy but it has been so worth it.

Sharing Anya's cot

If these two were my first, I maybe worried they were a little behind. Caleb refuses to walk at 19 months and can say two words! Anya walked at 17 months and can say far more. With Abigail we had everything around the house labelled and practiced everything with her. Miriam was quite bright and began to read at just three and half. 20 years on, so what? When we moved to Prague I taught children who had no formal education till 6 or 7. They could not recognise one single letter. Guess what? They all picked up reading between 3-6 months and over took many other kids who had been reading years. Because they were ready. Since then I have slowed down my approach to teaching my children. I would rather play with them and enjoy them these days.

Bedtime cuddles and fun.

My approach now goes with potty training. My first few were all trained between 18-20 months. Haha, now I just go with the flow. They have all got there and now with far less pain, tears and accidents by doing it in their time and not mine. Likewise, moving from cots to beds, bottles to cups, and the dreaded reading book scheme. It's so much easier now and so much fun when people ask at what stage they are, or try to boast about their own child's achievements and I just say that I really don't care.

These two are learning some very valuable socialisation skills. They always want what the other one has. There emotional development is developing well as at an early age they have to accept failure and disappointment more quickly than an single child has too. This is sometimes hard to watch, however I know this will help them in later life, if my older twins are anything to go by.

Chester Zoo

Being part of a large family they are taken out a lot with all the others, everywhere. The zoo and the beach are favourite places to go to, but over the course of this year they have been to the theatre, R.O.A's, fairs, sports days, seen about 10 countries and been admired in them all, taken here there and everywhere from birth and seen more than the average child has!

They are amazing little people, so very loved and wanted by all the family. They are never without someone to play with, give them attention and meet their every need.They are cuddled and hugged and loved every hour of the day and quite a bit of the night (unfortunately!)

The Greenwood Centre

When I told people I was again expecting twins at my age, most people looked horrified at the thought, mainly because, many of my friends had their last baby 15-20 years ago. For me it was not such a big deal, we had all the stuff and had a 4 year old as well. Funnily enough, quite a few people private mailed me to say how envious they were.Their older children were now at uni and they were suffering real empty nest syndrome. I cannot imagine how hard that must be, I find it hard enough that my older children are increasingly leaving home. It is a good thing for them, and they need to, but with each one that goes I am reminded of how fast the passage of times passes by, and so grateful for my 'little ones'.

Big bro dressed up for a fancy dress party!

They are so much fun, and they have so much fun! And I am having such a blast with them both.

My twins are gorgeous! I am unashamedly proud of them both and love them dearly. Yes, they are hard work and exhausting, but as we know the very best things in life are hard work! Sadly, I am aware they will be my last for many reasons so I intend to enjoy every moment I can, savouring it, soaking in every milestone, and grieving it as it passes for the last time.

Can you ever imagine your children never getting a present?

Like many people now, I have started to buy my Christmas presents. 

Well, to tell the truth I never stop looking for bargain's for Christmas and Birthdays. 

Having now so many girls in their teens/early twenties, who roughly like the same thing and are all around the same size, I know that whatever I buy will come in handy for someone.

The other week Boots the Chemist had all their perfumes half price, I also had some vouchers and money off coupons so I ended up getting four perfumes at an incredible price. With Christmas, plus four birthdays coming up, I know they can be ear marked as gifts easily.

I now have my christmas spread sheet in place so I do not over spend, spend on unnecessary things or over spend for one particular child! (my kids may have inherited my crap maths abilities but they are great at working out in their heads the price of everyones christmas stash!)

As I have begun to put things on my spread sheet, wrap them up (colour co ordinated to identify who's is who's)-are you not impressed by my organisation?!! I was reminded of the children I saw many years ago.

The children who do not 'expect' presents, in fact they have long since probably forgotten their birthdays or the significance of these.

The children for whom Christmas would be just another day in a very long, hard year, was it not for the help of organisations like 'Operation Christmas Child.'

I have heard much criticism of such charities over the years.

Comments such as 'charity begins at home-what about all the children here who do not receive presents"?

Well, I cannot answer for everyone but locally their is a food share co operative run by the local churches that identifies those most in need and delivers food to them each week. There are also collection boxes everywhere, so that when you but presents you are encouraged to buy one extra and donated it to a local child in need. These are both brilliant ideas and help our local children and families when times are tough.

Yes, times are tough. I maybe a little controversial here, but the children over seas who receive these boxes, have not just endured the horrors of financial crisis and broken home, or domestic violence, none of which I wish to belittle in any way whatsoever, but they have also endured the horrors of civil wars. They have seen their communities burnt to a crisp, their relatives macheted to pieces in front of their eyes , their daily lives are a life and death survival and they have endured more emotional trauma than we can begin to comprehend.

Uncomfortable reading.

I have witnessed first hand people delivering these boxes in Eastern Europe, many years ago. They do arrive at their destinations and they are given to the most needy of children.

It is truly heart warming to watch the faces of these children light up at the contents of a small box. Sweets and treats which for them never happen, toys that are their own and not to be shared, hats and gloves to keep them warm and tooth brushes and hygiene products which for the older children are so loved and needed.

My children are always humbled when they pack the boxes. When they were little it was quite hard because they wanted everything inside the boxes as they looked so inviting and attractive. Now they just feel a twinge of guilt and perhaps cross something off the extensive list of hopes and dreams as they realise how little others have.

We make up the boxes from their own Christmas money that I have saved. Each box costs around £10 so that is one less present for them, but the knowledge of helping someone is far more precious than a gift that will be used up or discarded at a later date.

The children love buying things for their boxes and thinking carefully about what they have and what they can give away. We keep lots of little toys and toiletries so that we can put these in the boxes each year and we try to think all year round when we are sorting things of anything that can be put in a box.

There have been years we have not been able to do a box each so we have just done a box for a girl and a boy. Most

 schools operate this scheme and are happy if you cannot afford to donate a box to collect items instead and hand these in and they will put class or school boxes together.

Whatever you decide to do, I can assure you that the child receiving the box will be so very grateful as it is the only gift they will receive this Christmas.

Take a look on Operation Christmas Child's Website for all the things that are suggested that you can buy as well as ways to get your box to the right place.

Operation Christmas Child is a great way of escaping the commercialism of Christmas and showing what the true meaning of christmas is to our children.

'It is in giving that we will receive.'

A hard week ahead

Mum at her happiest with her granchildren.

Today, exactly two years ago we went to visit my mum.
She was recovering from a stroke and was in a rehabilitation hospital.
She had been there for five weeks and was making steady progress.
Ironically she had her first stroke on the anniversary of Joshua's birthday, September 16th 2010.
I was about 8 weeks pregnant, and no one knew.
We found her collapsed on the floor of her flat.
It was her second major stroke.
Visiting her, being pregnant with the twins, working full time and juggling the family was plain hard work, but we managed to see her every single day, one way or another.
In retrospect I am so very glad we did.
On October 16th we had been running late, and arrived close to the end of visiting time, but they let us stay later. As Mair was running around waving rubber doctors gloves and my mum was laughing at her antics she suddenly stopped and slumped quietly into her chair, as if she had just fallen asleep.
I took Mair out to where Simon was sitting and then RAN for help.
Everyone came very fast, curtains were drawn and help administered , but it soon became apparent she needed to get to hospital fast.
We took everyone home, understandably they were all in shock , so they could at least eat tea.
I returned to the hospital, to sit with mum who was, too all intensive purposes in a coma.
I was then taken into a room and told she had suffered another devastating stroke and that she also seemed to have some internal bleeding.
Basically there was nothing anyone could do but wait, wait for God, as it were.
We had to decide what sort of care we wanted for her and then she was taken into a lovely side room.
As we had no idea if she was going to make it through the night we brought the children to see her there. Abigail was on her friends hen night and Bella was at Alton towers so they arrived later.
I am convinced through the small movements she made that she was aware of our presence and the eldest children each got some time with her on their own.
Being my strong, stubborn, scottish mum, she lasted the night, and infact the next four days. She was moved upstairs to a side room on a more general ward (the coughing and wheezing was enough to put any of the children who had perhaps contemplated smoking, off for life!)
I took leave of absence from work and Abigail did the same from uni and we spent four sunny autumn days with mum. We decorated the room with her cards and balloons and asked that radio 2 be played when we were not there so she could hear something familiar at all times. As we left, Susie arrived to take over the evening shift for us to get the little ones to bed. My mum was quite peaceful and we felt, aware of us there.
On the last day, Tuesday, she seemed very unsettled and in pain. We asked that her medication be upped, a rather rude, foreign doctor, chewing gum and looking very disinterested gave us the time of day and seemed to treat my mother in the most offhand fashion.
When I came back that evening to pick up Susie, she again seemed very restless.
How I wish I had just stayed the night.
I reasoned she would be okay, I was pregnant, terrified I would miscarry, sick as a dog and stressed so I went home.
The next morning Abigail and I arrived and walked into her, dead. No one had realised at all, and she had died alone. The shock was dreadful and will take us both a very long time to come to terms with. The staff claim they 'tried' to phone us, however there were no missed calls on either of our mobiles (that we left and asked to be contacted on day or night if she deteriorated) or on our house phone.
I calmly walked out, went to the nurses station and informed a very stuffy clerk that my mother was dead. Again, they all sprung into action.
Abie and I sat with her for hours, Simon arrived to say his goodbyes and we then had to leave and organise everything. I was in a complete daze, but thankfully an articulate one, and made notes. Months later I complained officially to the heath board and received an apology months after this. They suggested it maybe therapeutic to meet up to discuss it.
I don't think so, unless they feel a black eye is any help?
We trudged home and had to tell the children and visit the undertakers.
Two days later, it was Susie's 17th Birthday and the day after my others 81st.
My mum and I did not get on for many years, it's a well known fact.
However in her latter years , she moved very nearby and we came to a pleasant truce.
She was too old to be bothered to argue, I was wise enough o realise life was too short.
We had a lovely time in her two and a half years here. We went for walks, went to Debenhams for lunch and took Mair out.
She said that having Mair, had given her a fresh lease of life, and it had.
I only wish she could have lived longer and seen our beautiful twins.
As I walk through this week, I cannot escape the intense feelings it evokes.
Perhaps as always it is a reminder of how precious life is and how much we should enjoy the time we have with our loved ones instead of getting caught up in the trivia, for at the ned of the day, we never know when they may all of a sudden no longer be there.

Four weddings, a funeral , an art lesson, a random lunatic, and sandblasting group of builders and a harvest festival rehersal!

You've guessed it.
My Monday lessons again.
We thought nothing else could interrupt us, we were wrong!
I arrived to be met at 8.30am by vans, builders and a gigantic crane.
What fun.
The church outside renovation had seemingly started and no one had told me!
The vicar came in to apologise.
The only trouble with that was I had locked all the doors and was quietly marking when I saw this figure come towards me out of the darkness.
I nearly had a heart attack. It's a huge church.
He also informed me that tomorrow morning the local primary school is coming to practice for their harvest festival, but it shouldn't disturb us much.......
Has he heard any primary school rehearsals before I wonder?
Thankfully I am not there tomorrow.
I shall be walking my twins along the beach.
Dare I say what else can happen?

The youngest children are grief free.

It struck me today as I was sitting in St Giles Church in Wrexham at their memorial service the difference between Mair, Anya and Caleb and the rest of our children.
Mair knows all about Joshua and talks about him all the time as her brother, yet she is spared the same sense of tragedy that the others have had to walk through.

I watched her as she tried to chat to me (continually) all the way through the service.She is spared the older ones depth of grief, whilst they sit somber remembering their few brief days with their little brother, she can happily talk about him in a completely different way.
Maybe one day she may resent the fact that they all got to meet him and have photos and memories that she cannot share, or maybe she may be grateful that she is spared the pain they feel.

I went to represent my charity that works in the hospital there, and we went to remember Joshua. I do not find these services easy, and frankly I don't find them helpful at all. I find far more peace in the beauty of the countryside where I can feel a sense of him in the elements around me.However I still feel it's important to go. We always give the children the choice to attend and they always choose to, maybe they too feel it's one of the few little things they can do for their brother.

 As we left Mair and Anya ran and danced in the autumn leaves. I am glad they are spared the grief the other children have had to endure. For them, memories of Joshua are just some photos and some stories we tell, without the accompanying heartache.

The special little moments are the best

Sometimes we are so busy just with life, we don't ever stop to appreciate the little moments.
The faster my children grow up, the more I become aware of these.
I find myself wanting to hold onto them more, perhaps inadvertently hold onto them in the hope they wont disappear forever.
Sadly they do.
They are replaced by new ones , thankfully.
Today was one of those.
I am trying very hard this year not to work at the weekends. It is just so easy too and to find other things to occupy the children. This year I vowed to do things differently. It means being a bit more behind than I would like to be, staying up a bit later and planning my time better, but it is working and my sanity is returning.
Every weekend we take the little ones out. Often this is too the beach, the mountains or too the mountain zoo or swimming, all of which are either free or relatively cheap.
I took Mair to the theatre today with a friend and her daughter.
The show was a bit cringy for me but Mair adored it. As the curtain went up her face lit up, it was one of her favourite TV programmes brought to life. She is old enough now to realise there were people inside of the costumes instead of when she was younger and thought they were the real TV characters, however it did not detract her pure joy at the event. She sang and danced and enthused about the predictability of the plot, she loved the interval and the treats and had a truly special time.
I just loved watching her. I watched her more than the show. I marvelled at her innocence and her beauty. I loved her enthusiasm and her absorption in the whole event.
Little moments to hold onto.
FOREVER.

You know you are sleep deprived when....

You feed the baby and fall asleep.
Wake up and put them in the bunk bed cot.
Hubby comes and asks you if you realised they are both screaming because you were so tired you put Anya in Caleb's cot ontop of him!
And they are both awake now and not at all happy with the new sleeping arrangements.
He then asks you how on earth you could mistake Anya for Caleb as there is a sizeable weight difference!
Oh dear, I need more sleep.

When all you seem to do is yell.

Why is it, when every things going smoothly suddenly it falls apart?
Complacency perhaps?
This weeks been 'one of those weeks'.
Everyone has had an excuse or reason NOT to do their jobs, leaving me and Simon to chase about in the wee small hours........not amusing.
Things are getting lost and broken because they are being left out.
And I am getting cross because I then take hours to find and locate them!
Attitudes have slipped as well.
Car journeys have been taken for granted as have other so called 'treats' which now appear a point to be moaned at if they do not appear.
It came to the crunch one night this week. A comment was made and it was the straw-that -broke-the -camels-back!
So possessions were removed and threats given, sanctions re put in place and I had a very quiet evening as I was being ignored by several older family members!
You see, it's not all plain sailing here!

Possibly the only person that could make breast feeding cool and acceptable

Pink!
I have always been a fan.
But I think this picture is fantastic.
It was taken back stage before one of her concerts, where she was feeding her daughter, Willow.
It breaks all those breast feeding stereotypes doesn't it!
Hopefully with stars like Pink promoting breast feeding, it just may be more socially acceptable in all places, not just in our homes!
It is also just a beautiful portrait of motherhood, in all its variety of forms.