Happy New Year Musings...

Happy New Year.....
How glibly we say this. Yet for many it hasn't been a good year and I am guessing for many they don't feel the next one will bring much happiness either. The economic downturn has left many without jobs, homes, or hope. Globally disasters this year have seen many loose loved ones as well as their homes and livelihoods. Uprisings have left many living in fear and uncertainty, and closer to home, my charity has given out well over 2,000 boxes this year, which means 2,000 bereft parents...and there are many many more.
I am not a huge fan of New Year these days. I vaguely like the fact that a new year can be a clean slate and a chance for change, but no more so than any other day of the year really!
Growing up in a proudly Scottish family, New Year was huge and from an early age I remember my parents holding large, noisy parties for all their friends and neighbours. As we lived 'in the south' I think they felt it their birthright to introduce the unsuspecting 'southerners' to the scottish customs.
One of my earliest memories was my half cut mother (normally very self composed) doing the highland fling on the dinning room table! I, as an only child, would creep downstairs and watch the antics from the safety of the bannisters. Some drunken friend would invariably find me and swoop me into their arms and into the trust of the celebrations, my parents by this stage being too tipsy to care! I loved those times.
Then my father died, when I was nine and things changed forever. My mother mourned his passing until the day she died some 38 years later, but she tried to make an effort for me. We went to my best friends home, where her family kindly invited us for a few years following his death. We played card games, ate and talked and sang in the new year with ABBA! It was great for me, but looking back I am guessing it was probably a huge act on mum's part.
As I grew older, New Years were celebrated in our house, in our pj's in front of the TV. The neighbours, always remembering my mum was a Scott, banged on the door at the strike of 12 with coal and a drink for her. We went to a few parities along the way, but both enjoyed staying at home really.
After I went to university, I always came home for Christmas and New Year and my boyfriend (now hubby) joined in as well. Gradually as the years wore on, we married and children came along, our little gathering grew and grew.
I am not too sure where my dislike for the whole event came from, however I rather suspect it was after my first miscarriage. No longer were the things I planned or hoped for to be taken for granted. Was the next new year going to be one of happiness or was I going to suffer yet more disappointment? It became a thing to be somewhat dreaded as after a miscarriage, then an ectopic pregnancy and then secondary infertility, I watched my peer groups families grow, whilst mine remained the same.
This was further excentuated the year Joshua died. As the new year approached so my anxiety increased. I felt the new year meant I was leaving the year he was born in, and that meant somehow he was getting further away and I couldn't bear that. It wasn't a very happy one, I really tried for the children's sake.
This New Year I watched the fireworks from London with my very precious little 9 month old baby girl in my arms. I felt very very blessed. Last New Year I was still reeling from the pain of loosing my mother 6 weeks before as well as praying the amazing twins I was carrying would be okay and grow strong and stay put.
As for next year? Well we have a few firsts. A 1st birthday for our little twins, as well as the 1st of our children getting married. I hope and pray it will be a good year.
Resolutions? Well one certainly, to enjoy every moment possible and to appreciate what I have, the important things in life, and try not to get bogged down in all the insignificance.
I wish you all a good new year.

How to get what you want when you want by Mair

Mair wakes fairly early. Anyone who knows us, knows we are not a family of early risers, but rather night owls, all of us. Must be in the genetics!
This morning Mair wanted her breakfast NOW. Realising she wasn't going to get far with mum and dad who were busy feeding and changing the twins, she resorted to her two older brothers, who are a bit of a soft touch with her at times.
'Wake up I NEED my breakfast"
Silence.
'WAKE UP BOYS'
Silence.
Mair shuffles back to her bedroom, then.....
'Hi-ya!!!"
'Ouch, ouch, get off Mair, okay we will get up now...'
Having tried unsuccessfully to wake them the conventional way, she had got her Aladdin sword, climbed onto their bunk beds and started attacking them!
I must remember this when school starts and luke sleeps through his alarm!
Interestingly she has never tried this on any of her teenage sisters.....obviously she has worked out she would receive a less favourable reaction!

An instrument of tourture

No this not a tool of punishment for our children.
Rather it is the pink microphone our eldest daughter bought for Mair (5) for Christmas. She must have spent a considerable amount of time weighing up the toy that would wind us up the most! Maybe she thought our house was just a little too quiet and needed to power of Mair singing at least ten decibels above her normal level to brighten things up? who knows!
Mair on the other hand adores this new addition to the growing pile of plastic crap around our home. The first two days following Christmas were not too painful as all the shops were sold out of C batteries so she just had to pretend. This was bad enough given Mair has only one voice level -loud! Well, she is of course no 9!
Mair loves to sing, all the time, a rather odd mix of pop songs and nursery rhymes, often when the words are forgotten to one tune they will be added from another.This proves interesting to say the least. Much as her father and I try to ingrain the traditional rhymes, she shares a room with her 18 year old sister so we are fighting a loosing battle with Rihanna, Bruno Mars, Drake, Tinnie Tempah and Lord knows who else!
Her loud voice has many benefits. She was chosen as the narrator for the school play. We pondered the choice given she had two pages to read, and cannot read very well. However we had not bargained for her confidence, retentive memory and loudness! Again at the school Christingle service she was given a solo 'Away in a manager', I doubt if she will win x factor but I am sure the residents of the area surrounding the church were all serenaded by her as well!
On a recent shopping trip to Outfit Mair spotted her ideal show ground. All the static models were on platforms, so as the music played in the background and Mair recognised the song, up she sprung onto one of the podiums and sang her heart out to a somewhat bemused but captive audience! That's my girl!
And so to the microphone, or instrument of torture. It does not just increase her loudness it adds beats, music and worst of all applause! She is in her element. I can only pray the batteries run out soon. The local dance school's bi annual show is in June, so thankfully she will have a more suitable platform to display her talents on....we cannot wait!

Having Twins.....

Tonight looks like another long, sleepless one as both twins have colds and coughs to join the pain of teething. I think I have been awake longer than Santa this year!
As I am taking all the older ones out to the cinema tonight to see 'New Years Eve' I thought I would blog now.

After some rather pessimistic posts I decided I should really be a bit more upbeat. What is better than to mention my beautiful twins. I get rather sad when I take them out and everyone says 'Twins! double the trouble'. No actually, they are not. I must have said this about a hundred times when we were at the sales. More like double the joy. What a blessing to be sitting here typing with these two wonderful little people both in their baby bouncers laughing and giggling at me?
When I was 28 weeks pregnant I was rushed in for a scan as I had a few things in my urine, it escapes me as to what, I lost track! It was very late by the time I arrived as I waited till I got the youngest ones in bed. I had to wait for the scanner and eventually he came to my room. The Dr scanned me with a midwife present. As always, Caleb was hopping around like a lunatic, Anya who was always pretty quiet, was worryingly still, in fact absolutely still, and it took over 15 mins to even find her heartbeat. I cried and asked if she had died, as the Dr and midwife exchanged worried glances. When her heartbeat was eventually found, the relief in the room was audible.
I have never, ever forgotten that moment, and how I felt. Every time I feel really tired or one of them winges I remember it, and the absolute joy I felt when I new they were both healthy and safe.
Having twins is not double the work most days. Yes it's very full on and hectic. It is sometimes hard to give them both the attention they need if they demand it at exactly the same time, but there are ways and means of achieving this. I love seeing how they gradually relate more to each other, how they are company for one another and the special relationship develop.
I have already had girl/ boy twins, who are now 15 and my husband is also a girl/boy twin. I feel very very lucky to have another set, and looking after them is such a privilege, even on the back of no sleep!
However you do need to be organised. Very organised. In term time this is quite easy as there is a set routine we follow. In the holidays this is much harder. twins, without a routine are hard work as we are now finding over again! It unsettles them and us! They are waking later, sleeping at very odd times and going to bed later. I for one cannot wait for my nice organised life again! It's lovely to be able to have more time to watch them develop relationships with their elder brothers and sisters. I could spend all day watching them, they fascinate me that much. Mair, in particular is so funny with them. Yes, we have had to stop her 'kindly' giving them her plastic toys (with small detachable parts) peanuts, and God knows what else, but she does love them to bits. With such a large (5 year) gap between them, this is our biggest gap and we are thankful she has adapted to her 'baby of the family' place being usurped  not by one, but two babies.
So if you are pregnant with twins, be encouraged. If you are not, just make sure you don't say twins are double trouble or as a national newspaper recently quoted 'double the burden'!

Rearranging the deck chairs on The Titanic

This is how I feel after every Christmas. I hardly ever covet other people's things, however after Christmas there are three groups of people I envy:
1. Those with larger houses.
2. Those with a garage!
3. Those with a large attic.
I do not necessary want all of these, one would be good. Half my house sits outside in the garden in stacker boxes and I love the feeling of space. I am now faced with the dilemma of not only fitting all the new stuff we have accumulated over Christmas in, but I still have to fit all the old stuff from the garden back in as well.
It is an never ending process and often we feel we achieve nothing much, hence the analogy to the Titanic!
Today was most defiantly one of those days, where the downsides of a large family are evident, unless you are mega rich and have a large house, large garage, large attic and cleaner! We worked hard all day but have nothing much to show, there's still a mess everywhere and the kids are moaning they didn't sign up for tidying just 3 days after Christmas, I take their point, I didn't either but it's a draw back I accept.
There are open boxes full of my most favourite job of all (not) packing up the outgrown clothing. Urgh. It takes days. There are the boxes for the attic (haha like we can squash in anymore, I am however optimistic to the end) bin bags to give to people of clothes that are fashionable and therefore will not stand the test of time in the attic, and lastly the bin bags for The Salvation Army or Homeless. There is also the small pile of off cuts I keep. I once read a book about a grandma that made a quilt out of all her favourite children's clothes and I hope to do this too one day, so all the memory clothes are cut up ready for this task.This would be manageable  with a few less kids, for me it takes about a week. Now the majority of the kids are older I was optimistically hoping they could do this themselves but I still seem to be packing up most of it. hmmmmm......
So onwards and upwards tomorrow in the bid to achieve the impossible and repack our house, neatly ready for the next busy term ahead.

Large families and busy sales do not mix well.

So here is the annual dilemma, take all the children to the sales, let them experience learning how to behave and spend their own money wisely or stay at home, shop online and keep them out of sight.
A hard call, especially today on the back of zero sleep, curtsey of teething twins.
But, as always, I decided to take most of them (eldest do not live at home, third revising, or so she said. Maybe a cunning plan to just escape).
We took seven of the kids in the end including the twins, who generally are not lovers of retail therapy one bit.
There is a hard and fast rule with all our shopping trips, someone always manages to get lost and someone always ends up in a bad mood (given we have 4 teenagers and one pre teen this isn't too unusual).
The last shopping trip to Primark, my 17 year old posted on her facebook, and her friends thought it "legendary' and all want to be part of our family, for all the wrong reasons. It involved a very bored Mair (5) slinging coat hangers over the banister onto unsuspecting shoppers travelling on the lifts. She was meant to be looked after by her 15 year old brother whilst mum scurried around finding clothes for the rest! He obviously so nothing wrong with this unorthodox pastime until the security guard caught them both. Round one to the security guard. We then found the only vacant seat to pile up all the clothes for 9 children on (The had all grown inches this year). When we got back with another pile the 15 year old (yep him again) had got bored and wandered off and the security guard was phoning for someone to sort out the mess. Round two the security guard. We achieved the prize of the longest Primark bill (which we embarrassingly keep winning) and left the store with a sigh of relief. As we were outside packing the buggy and dividing the bags, the security guard appears with a very perplexed Mair in tow. "I was playing hide and seek and no body found me!'...perhaps Mair it would have been good to let us know you had gone to hide? Round three the security guard.
I was really hoping for a less eventful trip this time. Given the huge crowds in Chester today this was looking unlikely, especially as the only family member with a mobile phone was Dad, so he could ring no one!
Yes we lost someone.....my 15 year old son, who wandered off to Burton never to be seen again. Gradually as all the children reappeared from looking at their respective shops he did not. Time wore on and all the kids were getting restless and hungry. Both Dad and I searched to no avail, so I found a security guard and he announced over the tannoy "Can Luke Beavan please meet his mother outside Ann Summers'. Oh God! I hadn't for one minute realised the shop we were standing outside until then! Anyway at least he appeared within seconds! (he had been in the changing rooms)
And for the moods..... they inevitably happened too. The thing I hate about the sales is the impulse buying. When we go shopping it is because the children need clothes and shoes and I have a long list for each child. The sales mean randomness and buying items we do not need, and will regret later. So much of today was spent sounding worryingly like my mother 'are you sure you need that?", 'but you already have x number of those'. Those comments lead to moods....... thankfully pretty short lived.
The lady in Zara got pretty fed up with us as all her sales items were wrongly marked in our favour so she had to keep cancelling the bill and starting again , as I reminded her of another wrongly priced piece of clothing I received the 'evil eye'. The children are trained in the saying ' don't ask for it unless it has a 50% label on, so Jack Wills and All Saints were defiantly to be avoided!
We did achieve all that we set out for and a little more. I do enjoy watching the children sift for bargains and realise how much the things they wanted are reduced and how much they have saved, as these are valuable lessons they will need when they leave home in the sadly not so distant future. I did not enjoy towards the end the melt down of the younger ones resulting in two of them hammering each other with reduced wrapping paper rolls in Paperchase. This is when we look like the stereotypical 'larger family' and people give you those 'your children are out of control looks'. Generally they did well, were polite to the people who stopped to ask about the twins and how many other children we had and I am sure, when the sales appear again, we will once again brave the crowds.

Boxing Day Dippers

Jay, Nina and their partners.

Today in Llandudno , the annual Boxing Day race into the sea was held. Two brave couples who support our charity (Joshua's Boxes) and have sadly both lost babies, were brave enough to run into the sea for sponsor money!

It was a great atmosphere on the Prom in Llandudno and lots of people of all ages joined in. Thankfully it was no where near as cold as last year when Jay's husband and his friend braved the waters and raised £545 for the charity. I , however was not the one getting wet and Nina and Jay assured me it was pretty cold!

With Jadon Gardiner. 

Without these sort of fundraising events our charity could and would not survive. It is a very small charity, and everything we earn goes directly into supplying our boxes. There are no wages and very little outgoings at all, other than directly for the boxes themselves. I am very proud and blessed that in the 8 years we have run the charity we have never not had enough money to provide these boxes and have never gone in the red! This shows the commitment of all the people over the years who have given their time and helped us.

I just wanted to say a HUGE THANK YOU! to you all. For at Christmas, it is a time to be thankful, and I truly am of each and every person who has helped to maintain these boxes in the hospitals we supply. I could not have done this without you!

Remembering Joshua

When you loose a baby, your life changes forever. Nothing is ever quite the same again, and every happy family event is always tinged with sadness , aware of the gap where that precious child should be.

Since Joshua died 8 years ago, we have thought of meaningful ways to celebrate him. On Christmas Day we visit the little chapel in the hospital where he was born locally. It is where his name is written in the book of remembrance, as well as being the first hospital I ran my charity in, and where all my subsequent  rainbow babies were born.
They have thoughtfully in more recent years placed a tress of Remembrance in the foyer and the children always enjoy writing messages to Joshua and placing them on this. For two years now, we have also placed on it messages for their Gaga, my mum as well. We also bring and light candles and remember too, the other precious baby's of my friends, new and old as well.
Before I lost a baby, this would have seemed a rather sombre thing to do on such a happy day, yet I am pleased how much the children all still enjoy going, and how meaningful it is to them ,as well as us.
It is of some comfort, amidst all the noise and haste of Christmas, that I can take a few special moments to remember the little son who isn't present, opening his lego, and playing with his siblings as he should be. For him there was a different plan. We love and remember you too this special day!

Joshua James Beavan 16-19-09-03

Our Christmas

Half the table!

Ever since living and working in Prague, 14 years ago, we have celebrated our Christmas meal on Christmas Eve, as they do in Europe. We much prefer it this way for many reasons, which have changed as the children grow.
when they were little it was lovely to dress them up at night and have our meal, and then open some gifts. They went to bed late (so slept in!) and also it made them a little calmer as they had opened some gifts before going to bed as well. Having our meal out of the way meant on Christmas Day we could spend the day chilling with them and making up endless rounds of lego and game sets instead of stressing about a meal! instead we had lots of leftovers, party food and a birthday party for Jesus (lets remember why we celebrate this day!)

Opening family presents

As the children have got older it remains a great way to celebrate as we can have everyone together on Christmas eve and then the older girls can go off with their partners for lunch on Christmas Day, no arguments or disagreements! Sorted! They children still enjoy the relaxed feel to Christmas Day and the 'help your self' styled meals.
It does however mean we have to be super organised by Christmas Eve, and this is not one of our strengths! With so many to buy for, it can mean a bit of a last minute dash and wrap!

I love the traditions and quaintness the europeans have managed to preserve, much of which we seem to have dropped now. I hope we can maintain our special family traditions which take a little of the stress and pressure away from Christmas Day for us, and help us to spend time with our children on their special day more.

Why taking your kids to the theatre is so important.

I havent written for a while. I had a few months where I was unsure I wanted to blog for many reasons, however now I am back.
Tonight I took the children to the theatre to see 'Aladdin". I was tired, and haslted and seemed to have spent most of the day dashing around the shops, taking kids to a variety of places and yelling at the ones left at home to help instead of being glued to yet another Christmas TV programme, despite several warnings they need to ask permission before switching on the TV! If truth be told, dragging myself out in the wind and the rain, let alone changing , doing my hair and make up was the absolute last thing on my mind, but I went, and I am so very glad I did.
I am reminded that no matter how cringe worthy Panto's sometimes can be, there is something very magical about them too. The story line isn't exactly taxing on the brain, the songs are a mix of contemporary and old favourites and the jokes and a bit weary at times but I laughed! The children, young and old, still got sucked into the 'He's behind you' lines and oooed and aahed at the new 3D effects and special effects. To sit and watch my kids was as enchanting, if not more so than the panto it's self. The costumes are amazing and the energy put in by the performers night after night is commendable.
In an age of TV and very fast moving programmes, I am constantly drawn back to my memories of living in Eastern Europe, where going to the ballet or theatre was a weekend event. Everyone got dressed up and off they went. Whilst I appreciate the rather huge price difference which meant this was easy to do, I still thought the principal was very quaint. I hope we never loose this tradition in favour of quicker easier forms of entertainment. I will forever remember being taken up to London, by my father to The Festival Hall to watch The Nutcraker Ballet, some 40 plus years ago. i can still remember how magical it was and also, as my father died when I was nine, what a sweet memory of my time, however brief with him.
I would recommend the theatre to anyone! It was a fantastic experience and I will cherish the memories of my children's excited faces long after the paper and cardboard of Christmas Day has hit the re cycling!

Packed?

Packing up in France Day 2

It's 3am and I am still dashing around the house like a mad woman trying to remember everything.This is when being a large family is stressfull.I find it hard to remember where I put my handbag, let alone the huge ammount of gear we have packed today.
I hope I have remembered everything...
Without Abie coming round to help with the twins it would have been impossible.They barey remember who I am this week.
It's aways worth it, but so tiring.

On another note, I am concerned to leave the country in such disarray with all the riots that are going on.

I am sorry but I can see no justification for bullying, stealing and arsonary at all, in any way.I am not quite sure how they can justfy it?

Packing up in Verona Day 4

You are saved from a page long rant because I am so tired, maybe another day.

The Battle of the vest!

Yes its been ongoing for weeks, but finally we are conquerring it.
I hold myself totally responsible for buying them two years ago.
Never did I think for one minuate there would be such an issue.
But there is and three days in a car has instensified our determination to win.
What am I on about?
My nearly 15 year olds, age 11-12 vests!
These were bought in the naive days when I actually for one fleeting moment thought he may just wear one in the winter.You can tell from the label I have never purchased any since.
So why is a simple Asda white vest such a problem?
After 3 years in the wilderness at the bottom of a drawer they have reappeared with vengence!
Now they are a 'fashion' accessory, apparently.
They are worn on their own (urgh) or under an incredibly thick hoodie.
Either way the look is not good, and neither is the pong! So, my daughters and I, the fashion police, have taken control before one of us dies a slow and painful death by posioning as we sit next to him in a very confined space!
We have plotted, sneaked about, hidden and the battle is nearly done. 3/4 have been slowly located and disposed of.
One to go.
But where is it.
With twenty four hours untill we depart, will we find it?
Watch this space!
P.S. sorry love, but you just don't take a hint! Love you really!

Preparing for a summer holiday for ten!

I never feel we are a big family.I just  feel we are us, that is untill we come to preparing to go away on holiday.This is a monumental task that seemingly knows no end.
Just when you begin to think you are breaking the back of the now daily trip around the shops, and child suggests a selection of other items you have forgotton to buy.
My holiday lists have been revolutionised by having an iphone.I am famed for my lists and equally famed for loosing my lists, which with my phone I stand an outside chance of remebering!
I spend months before hand looking for little things to keep the children entertained on the long car journeys we do each year. Having such a large family makes air travel nearly impossible, and actually the last time we attempted it (four years ago, with 9 kids, one new grandbaby, one boyfriend and two adults) very stressful.Everytime we watch Home Alone we laugh, and identify! The passport control lady in Prague even managed to stiffle a smile (I swear I saw the ends of her lips curl) as my husband stood at one end of the control, and I at the other.Each child was handed a passport with strict instructions to go through and give it to dad! It was certainly a sight to behold, and one that I would rather not repeat in a hurry!
So, instead we have the car drive...this time three and a half days!
How too keep a large family entertained? well its a lot easier than it was 15 years ago when we started our mega drives thats for sure.
Back then I collected all the comics and with the school ring binder made books.I split these into puzzle ones, story ones and cartoon ones.I bought some new books and cassettes for the tape recorders, and some little dolls and toys.These were all stashed away and produced every four hours or so when bordom set in.There are also the long list of car games we have to play.Of course now I have teenagers these have taken on a new and more sinister twist involving pieces of paper and rude words! hmmm.
Of course now we have mobile phones and games (alas the battery soon runs out) DS and vtech computors, portable videos and ipods.Of course they dont all have these each, but thank god for ebay and splitter cables, thus enabling two children to watch one DVD player.
I also go for the old fashioned things like cut out dolls, and colouring books, word searches and cross words.With such a variety to have a choice of, we manage the journey quite well.
Then of course there is the inflicted holiday diary! they know its coming each year as I return from one of my endless trips with bulging bags of scrap books, new pens and pencils and pritt sticks, but they dont ask, they avoid the conversation untill the D word is finally mentioned admist groans.They love these diaries when they look back, but do not like the thought of doing them, or infact anything at all on holiday.
I also pack travel bags so we dont have to go rumaging around all the ironed clothes for the one pair of underpants we brought! these stay near us and can be taken in and out of over night stays with ease.
Clothing used to be simple, again untill the teenager years when we want to take everything we own.This year it will be hot, I have made lists of what I need packed and then suggestions, I wonder if they will be read and heeded?
My husband prides himself on being streamlined.This worked well untill one year when he forgot his Pjamas and virtualy all his under wear! He can fit everything into a rucksack! Unlike the 17 year old that struggles to get everything into a suitcase large enough to fit my youngest three children!
We always start to pack days before, and this is the point we are at now.The house looks like a cross between widow twankes laundry and ebay! I get steadily more hoarse as the days roll on and I tell one child or other to stop looking through bags, taking things out or moving them! A spare room would be bliss.
So, I had better go, as in another 5 hours, I have shops to go to and people to nag!

Bereavement

We watched a film tonight, The Rabbit Hole.Had I known the content of it, I may not have chosen it, but there we are.

I was caught unawares, it was about a couple who lost their only child. It was well portrayed, and sadly for anyone, like us, who has lost a child, the emotions were raw and true.

It made me sad, but more than that it made me incredibly gratefull for the billionth time for the other children I have.They will never replace Joshua in any way, but they constantly help heal the pain, that is still there nearly eight years later.I am so grateful for them, for the noise and laughter they bring into my life each day.

I wrote a blogg about Joshua.If you wish to weep your way through it, here's the link.

http://hearts-of-hope.com/joshua.b/

Through this blogg I started our Charity, Joshua's Boxes. Since those very small beginnings, many others have taken the idea on in their own area and send boxes to local hospitals.Joshuas legacy will last forever,

Me Time?

I seem to have heard this word a lot recently. Long ago, when I had my first baby I did'nt hear it at all.
What is 'me time'?
It appears to be our right to have a certain ammount of time that is now devoted to us , alone.
I have been told by some people this is precisley why they do not have larger families, because they need this time.
I wonder quite where it comes from? I was rather under the impression when I had my first baby that this time I had to myself was a thing of the past, not that I had ever had much anyway, as I was always a busy child and teenager.
I cherished my first child and loved every minuate I spent with her.I did not morn the loss of this time, nor miss it at all, and so as our family expanded so my time just had to be a bit better managed.
Sometimes, people have offered to look after the children in order to give me some of this 'me time'.I once took a friend up on this, but returned home early because I missed the children so much. Some people may find this rather sad,that I could not occupy myself for that long, not really, I just preferred being with my kids.Each summer, as a Team Leader for a leading exam board I have to go to London for three days.Thankfully the days are long and exhausting with very little time to think, but then at 5pm we finnish and go our separate ways.The first night is usually okay as I book a theatre visit or see friends , but returning to an empty hotel room is always hard.The second day is tougher and by the third I chase from my conference onto the first train home!So much for spneding time with 'me' I just long for my children and husband.
I wonder how much 'Me time' my grandmothers got? One was a miners wife who worked hard at home to make ends meet, the other ran the local sweet shop, making the sweets and ice creams from scratch.

As Susie returned from Uganda and showed us all her photos, I pondered if many of the women on them actually considered 'Me time' of the sligtest importance at all.
I think, as a society we have become very self centered. Magazines are full of celebrities who are self obsessed and we are lured into thinking this is the norm, and feeling condemmned if we do not fit this. One such example is the obsession to see who can be the thinnest the quickest after giving birth (a competion I do not stand an earthly chance of winning).These women, I have concluded, in order to achieve the amazing figures they do, must spend very little time with their new babies.Okay so I moan about my weight, but given the choice whats a few extra stone between friends?
We observed this all the time when we lived overseas.It made me quite nauseous to return each Christmas and watch in horror at the huge food check out ques and the fuss everyone made if they did not manage to get the ' in' toy for their child.I returned to the simplicity and queitness of Eastern Europe and breathed a sigh of releif!
Because of the age ranges that exist in our house, we can often be up from 7am untill 1am the following morning! this leaves little time theoretically for me. I sometimes get frustrated that I can't get on with a project or finnish a book, but within the day there are always small slots where some peace and quiet can be had.

So, perhaps it is not the fact that ' me time' in itself is wrong, but more what we class as this time.'Me time' can be cooking, if that is what we enjoy.It could be hugging babies and reading stories which gives me personally as much pleasure as anytime by myself.Perhaps it could be enjoying some music on my ipod whislt doing a job, or chatting to my children about their day.
What do you think?

Planning a Wedding



Today the girls and I went to Abakhan fabrics (http://abakhanfabrics.co.uk/ )in Mostyn, a huge treasure trove for anything crafty! I have been going there since I was a student studying Textiles and love to walk down the aisles of fabrics imagining what I can make. Invariably I bring back a bag of goodies and today was no exception.
Today, however , we went to buy all the little bits and bobs that make a wedding unique.
Abie's getting married! My beautiful and intelligent 23 year old daughter gets married in just ten months time.
My role?
Walking auto bank and cheque book.
No, seriously, it has been great fun planning the day with her.She is very fussy and has very set ideas on what she wants, which was exactly like me.She loves details and has thought of everything.
We are making all the invitations during the summer before she starts her third, and hardest year of University.
She not only goes to Uni, but also does her freinds and families hair as well as looking after Ella, my grandaughter.She works hard and I have a great deal of respect for her.
We arrived home armed with tons of paper, card, ribbon and lots of other crafty stuff.
Who would of thought nearly 26 years ago, when I was walking around as a penniless student that I would be back planning a wedding with my eldest of 11? Not me, that's for sure!

Life is a bit like learning to ride a bike!

Mair wanted to have the stablisers taken off her bike.As she's now five this seemed the right timing.Given the summer holidays to practice her skills we went along with this.All went well untill she realised the implications of her decision- a very wobbly bike that she could no longer control or ride with confidence. All of a sudden she wanted things back as they were. We coaxed her and with time she had a go.

She's just checking to see I am here to catch her!

And off we go!

The sense of achievement etched on her little face!

There's no stopping her now.She has gainded confidence and despite a few tumbles rides up and down the garden like an old pro!

I remember vividly learning to ride as well.Mainly because I fell off head first and scraped my chin badly! I was five as well.My mother and father applauded my efforts.It must have been strange for them, as neither owned a bike as a child, and my mother never learnt to ride one, ever.

Having children, and guiding them through life is very similar to learning to ride, for both parties concerned!

It takes confidence to take those first steps, and when something goes wrong that confidence is then knocked, and somehow we need to find the courage to do it again.

There are so many times, I have not been as brave as Mair was today.I have given up, sometimes for years. Maths GCSE being a prime example!!

I hope I can always be there for my children, maybe not as physically as I was today when Mair checked to see me there, but so they know I am always ready to catch them when they fall, and support them to have confidence to try again.



Third world Issues

My 17 year old is in Kampala, Uganda. She is working in an orphanage there for two and a half weeks. She went last year at just 16 and loved it so much she's gone back.
However, this year is different and she has really struggled over many issues, most of which it would be inappropriate to write about in such a public place.
I really feel for her today. She has been sick in the night and has a tummy bug. She cannot go to the orphanage today , and it's their last day, she's gutted to say the very least.
It's awful being here and trying to enjoy the day when one of my children just needs looking after and a huge hug!
I miss Susie, her vitality and her fun! I really look forward to getting her back safely on Saturday. I swore I would never be like my mum, that I would let me kids go where they want, to travel, to open their eyes to the huge world outside their door and experience life and all it's riches.

With this comes a cost. I am gradually learning to let go. It's not easy! So kids, bear with me on this one, I am trying. Really!

25TH Wedding Anniversary!

It seems a good day to start this new blog.

We have been married for 25 years!
I got up, and got all my bridesmaids ready (in the dresses I had helped to make) put on the headresses I had made myself, and then got myself ready.I did my own hair and make up, and painted my own nails.
Some one from our church owned a vintage car and he drove me to my wedding.
Afterwards everyone (all 420) stayed for coffee and cakes and then we had the reception in the back hall.The food was donated by everyone in the church, who had chosen to make a starter, main or pudding.
It was a fantastic day, and everyone commented on what a marvellous time they had, had.
We had none of the modern day trimmings or the things I am planning for my own daughter, yet it was great.
It is very hard to think of the people we were then, the dreams and aspirations we had at 22 and 24 are so very different from where we are today.
I can fully understand why so many marriages break down, so much has happened to us over the course of 25 years, and some of it could well have torn us appart.

But it didn't, and we are still here, still together.Today I thank God for my husband, beautiful children, lovely friends and hopefully 25 more wonderful years!