Another hospital has precious memory boxes.

Today I drove to Macclesfield. It was a beautiful, sunny warm day.Usually I would really have enjoyed the drive. Unfortunately both Anya and Caleb were unsettled last night and we were up quite a lot. Hence I was really tired. The sun and warmth lead me to yawn, worryingly too much. I had to break the strict diet and stop several times for strong coffee to keep me awake. The babies were very good all the way there and only got weepy towards the end, but by then they were hot and thirsty too!

I must admit lugging 50 or so boxes and two babies out of a car and into the hospital proved to much of a challenge , so I left the boxes by the car, took the babes and went in search of a porter or two! Thankfully I found two delightful ones who asked all about the boxes, and took a real interest in them which was touching.

By the time we reached the Maternity wards the babies had well and truly had enough and let rip, so I stopped to give them both some milk, admist the oos and ahhs of everyone going in and out. It was weird to sit on a labour ward and not actually be IN labour!

The staff nurses were all lovely and really pleased with the boxes.It is fantastic to know that bereaved parents in this hospital will now have more facilities to make memories of their precious babies.

I am forever grateful to all the amazing parents I have met over the years. For their fundraising, their knitting, their help, their friendship and their kind words that keep me going.

These boxes are for you all my friends , and all the amazing things you have done despite your loss and grief.

You are the true stars.

The Waltons

I saw this article yesterday.
http://www.insp.com/shows/a-waltons-family-reunion/
The Walton's, or rather the ones still alive, are meeting together after 30 years for a family reunion.
I suddenly felt a blast of melancholy!
They were my childhood.
As an only child I dreamt of a large family all shouting 'night Jon Boy' to each other.
Every week I religiously cycled round to my best friend Irene's to watch the programme, because our old black and white TV did not have ITV, only BBC. Thank God the day it blew up and finally I had ITV too! (no I had nothing to do with the TV blowing up, other than avid prayers it would force my mother to get a colour one at last!)
Irene and me used to discuss each episode, the characters we liked, the plots, and what it must be like to have so many siblings. Infact it brought me closer to my mother in a very odd way because it was based in the 1930's depression. Although my mother was a child at this time, she was able to explain some of the issues I didn't quite understand. When we got the beloved colour TV she became hooked as well.
I hold The Walton's and Little House on the Prairie totally responsible for my desire for such a large family!!!! They were such lovely role models,the love and care the parents showed their children, their patience and the conflicts yet strong bonds the children had together all held a huge appeal to me. Perhpas it was rather simialr to reality TV today...only better!
I have those programme to thank for creating such happy childhood memories.
Not all TV is bad TV.

Bootcamp Blog-Week 8, the two month total-dada!!!

Well, it's fair to say February has been a bit of a downer in many ways.
Motivation hasn't been good, on any front at all.
I feel bad generally how little I have got achieved.
My 'to do' list is still vast.
The twins are finally settling down again (she whispers incase this changes again) and I am feeling not quite so sleep deprived.
I have cooked some meals for this week and frozen them, so when I am busy I don't just grab the first thing at hand and snack, and I am back on track I feel.
I lost another 2 lbs this week so life is good. Mind you given the intensity of the circuits Zara made us do I swear I could feel the weight melting from me. Never have I felt so tried or unfit! Still if it works, bring it on!
I find it much easier going every day. I just force myself. If I have a day off I find it much easier to just find excuses not to show up again.So I have managed to maintain going five times a week still.It is a huge stress on the family for me to keep leaving and I must say a huge thank you to them all for not only their support but for juggling babies and children in my absence as well.
As I have previously said, this has made me feel so guilty there's no way I would ruin my weight loss by a big binge for their sakes as well as my own.
Saying that, I do still have the odd 'food dream'. Must be my subconscious dreaming of all the calorie filled delights I have denied myself for so long. Food programmes on the TV are just excruciating so they are defiantly out now.
Mother's Day is an unusual dilemma, as the kids cant just pop to the shops and buy me chocolate. They will have to use a bit more creativity this year.....oh dear!
And so for the 2nd months total loss. Though not as dramatic as the first, I am still pleased I am heading in the right direction.

Feb-Mar weight loss
Weight: 4lbs
Bust: 1inch
Waist: 1.5 inch
Hips: 1 inch
Thigh: 1/2 inch
Knee: 1/4 inch
Upper Arm: 0


Total weight loss since Jan:
Weight: 14 lbs
Bust: 1.5 inches
Waist: 2 inches
Hips: 1.5 inches
Thigh: 1 inch
Knee: 3/4 inch
Upper Arm: 1 inch


Total weight loss since joining boot camp: (Oct, break : Nov/Dec, then back Jan)
Weight:1 stone 7 lbs (22 lbs)
Bust: 3 inches
Waist: 6.5 inches!!!
Hips: 2.5 inches
Thigh: 2 1/4 inches
Knee:  1.5 inches
Upper Arm: 1.5 inches


The countdown and pressure is defiantly on now. With just under 15 weeks till Wedding Day I cannot slack. I am going to tighten up my diet and eat more protein than fruit now, and get stricter with my meals as well going into the final three months. I need to continue to work as hard as I can at the gym and to maintain doing at least half an hours exercise on the days I do not go as well. I am making time to walk a lot more. Given petrol prices this has definite finical as well as weight loss rewards and my fuel consumption is noticeably lower. It's just finding the time to plan for this, that is hard.
So looking at my two month loss, I am aiming to loose another stone by the end of May. This would keep me on track for the wedding outfit and my final plan. I know the lower I get the harder it will be to shift so I am prepared for the next battle to commence.
Tonight we did our second killer fitness test. I nearly died after the first one. This one was hard but I was determined to see if I had improved. I don't think I will ever find a burpee corkscrew easy however with all of the tests I had improved and found them marginally easier so I was pleased.
It is still really tough, but so worth it. I cannot wait for our holiday this year! To not moan at how fat I look in each photo will be such a joy!

The most precious book of all.

I guess, like us, you have the discussion about if there was a fire what would you try to save.
Well of course, all the children.
A very close second would be Joshua's box.
It is a beautiful box. But it is not the box I want it is the things inside, that are irreplaceable, because they are all I have , and always will have of my son, my 8th child.

One of the things in the box is his book.

Making his book of his life kept me sane in the long , dark months after he died.
It gave me something to focus on.

And now and amazing memory for which I am forever grateful.
The kids often take it out and look at it too.

It was made with love and tears, many, many tears. It is Joshua's Journey.

Achieving my family

I am often asked what age gap in my family do I feel is the best one.
This is a much discussed and somewhat heated topic I have realised.
Mainly because it is so personal. For many, they cannot have the age gap they would ideally want.
I fall into this category.
I have friends who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
I have one particular friend who had four children and chose the right month for each one, beautifully spaced out.
For me, this was not the case.

Some people say it is a real problem to fall pregnant so quickly.
At least they have the means to prevent it happening, and the choices to choose the event.
If you suffer infertility (I have had secondary infertility) this is not a choice.
People often assume, wrongly, I can get pregnant easily.
This has only been the case once or twice.
Most of the time, getting pregnant involved months, and years of temperature charts, eating healthy, avoiding caffeine and more. It involved months of heartache and tears when the dreaded period arrived despite doing all we could.
Getting pregnant involved 5 miscarriages. Each time the nurse would pat me and say "Don't worry you will be pregnant again soon'. But I knew differently. I knew I was back to square one and it could take another two years.
I always knew I wanted a large family, so to achieve this I knew meant almost year on year of either trying to get pregnant, loosing a baby, or being pregnant. It has dominated nearly 25 years of my life and most of my marriage.
Has it been worth it.
Absoulty yes, yes YES!
I would not do things differently at all.
My somewhat naive plan when we were first married was to have four children, with two years between them, by the time I was 30.
The plan initially worked and I was surprised when without trying I found out I was expecting Abigail.

All went well.
At about 5 months we thought we would try again.
Zip, zero zilch.
Her first birthday came and went.
My friends got pregnant with their second babies.
Then a miracle!
At 14 months, I conceived. Only to loose the baby at 11.5 weeks.
In that day it was horrendous. Truly one of the worst experiences I have gone through.
Back home again and we continued to try for another baby.
Abigail turned two.
Some of my friends were now pregnant with their third babies.
Again, deep joy! I conceived, only to be rushed into hospital with excruciating pains, loose 3 pints of blood, have the emergency team helicopter in, and have my right tube removed.
An ectopic pregnancy had developed. Right at the end of my fallopian tube, and dangerously near my womb.
I was fortunate to be alive!
It put things into perspective for a while.
I had Abigail.
Maybe this was how it was meant to be.
She was beginning to develop a nervous twitch everytime we passed the hospital and so was I!
Abigail  turned three.
A few of my friends got pregnant with number four.
Again a miracle, I got pregnant again.
I was not excited. At all.
I passed the three month mark.

Then the four month mark.
At five months I told people and let myself believe it was going to happen.
It did, and we called her Miriam, which means 'much longed for'. She was. Three years and 8 months after Abigail.
We never took any form of protection as we knew we wanted more, and in all likelihood it would take a while.

Susannah, our home-birth baby, came along 2 years and one month later.
We moved overseas. It was stressful and long hours. I didn't watch what I ate and drank too much coffee.

Luke and Bella arrived 2 years and 10 months after Susie.

Then our surprise baby Martha arrived 15 1/2 months after the twins!
Needless to say the urgency to reproduce with 3 babies under 18 months, 4 under 4 and 5 under 6 was not so strong!
Although we actively didn't prevent it, we didn't actively try either.

I got pregnant and then sadly at the 12 week scan it was discovered to be a blighted ovum.
Jonathan came along 3 years and 2 months after Martha.

Joshua came along 2 years and 5 months later, a week before I was 40, and died 4 days later. We had his funeral the day after I was 40. I received birthday cards, new baby cards and bereavement cards. Needless to say my birthday was not celebrated, neither did I suffer any midlife crisis, I had far greater things to cope with.
I was told to get pregnant quickly due to my age. Sadly I knew this wasn't going to happen.
Amazingly it did, but I miscarried again at 11 weeks.

Finally, 2 years and 6 months after Joshua died, Mair, our miracle was born, heart healthy!

I never really expected to fall pregnant again. I always hoped I would, and it was a sadness to know those years were over, until a couple of summers ago when I felt sick again. That familiar sick, only REALLY REALLY sick. I had a sense it was twins again. It felt like Luke and Bella.
At 12 weeks my intuition was confirmed. It was a shock, but a good shock.
The children were all ecstatic.

4 years and 11 months after Mair, our twins, Caleb and Anya were born.
It has been a long process.
A huge privilege.
My greatest achievements.
The little people I love most in the world.
My life, and what makes me who I am.

Heartache only makes me appreciate them more.
Age gaps?
Who cares.

In the light of the people they are now it all panned out pretty well I think.
I may write more another day!

The embarasing toilet moment.

Yesterday was most defiantly 'one of those days'.
I woke up really REALLY tired.
Perhaps woke up is an optimistic phrase.
Drifted from feeding a baby, for the hundredth time that night,  to launching myself out of bed an hour earlier than usual would be more accurate.
I went slowly. Doing my make up I managed to stick the eyeliner pencil in my eye, that wept, mascara ran and I had to start again.
Humph!
I was late to the childminder, Caleb screamed the place down as I left which was awful, and I was very nearly late for work. Thank God, no tractors and no red lights (both of which are in abundance on my route).
I had to work through all my breaks and lunch today. I raced to the toilets before my students arrived back.
The normal one was in use so I went into the disabled one carefully shutting the door.
As I was on the loo a group of students and their learning support mentor came to the door, gave it a good tug and then embarked on a discussion as to whether or not someone was in there, despite the fact it was showing red!
Not happy with the fact they couldn't open it , they started to jiggle the lock.
I was now anxious.
Racing to complete my task I hastily was doing up my trousers when the door flung open and 8 or so faces appeared!
Not happy!
I banged it shut.
Hmmm Dilema.
I have to get back to my class, but I didn't want the embarrassment of walking out infront of them all.
I waited.
Washed and dried my hands slowly.
Realised I couldn't hide in a disabled toilet for 2 hours.
A tentatively opened the door.
They were all there, waiting.
Oh the shame!
I re told the tale to my students.
When they had picked themselves off the floor from laughing they were sympathetic.
Then came afternoon break, by which time my lunchtime water had hit my somewhat weak bladder.
As I approached the toilets with trepidation , my students were there.
'It's okay Miss, we will stand watch' they all said.
Hmmm do I trust them. My head says no, my bladder says yes.
I went in.
Locked the door.
Doubled checked it.
Checked again just incase.
'Miss, what would you do if we tried to open the door'?
'fail the lot of you, and make sure you never darkened the college door again'.
'Okay Miss, we wont't, we get the picture'.
Exit five mins later job done, dignity in tact.
'We were only joking Miss'.
Yeah right girls...........

Happy St. David's Day! Dydd Gwyl Dewi hapus!

Happy St. David's Day! Dydd Gwyl Dewi hapus!

The Daily Mirror ran an article today.

The ten things we should know about St. David's Day.

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/st-davids-day-10-things-204623

For those of you who know nothing about St. David, or for those of you, who like me know a little, here are some of the main points:

1. St David’s Day falls every year on March 1. This was the date patron saint of Wales, St. David died in 589.

2. It wasn’t until the 18 ^th century though that St David’s Day was declared a national day of celebration in Wales.

3. Saint David is typically depicted holding a dove, and often standing on a hillock. His symbol is the leek.

4. In 2007 Tony Blair rejected calls for St. David’s Day to become a Welsh national holiday, despite a poll saying that 87% of Welsh people wanted a March 1 holiday.

5. A Welsh stew, named Cawl and containing lamb and leeks, is traditionally consumed on St. David’s Day.

6. Across Wales on Mar 1 St. David’s Day parades take place, and in bigger cities food festivals, concerts and street parties also occur.

(Mirror News online, March 1st 2012)

Today Mair , Ella and Jono all dressed up and went to school very excited. Not only were they allowed a school lunch of traditional lamb and Welsh Cakes, but they had a day of fun and festivities.

We were invited along to Mair's School to watch their Eisteddfod. This comprised of Welsh songs, Dancing and hymns. We were given tea and coffee and Bara brith and Welsh cakes. It was great.

Many people see these Saints Days as meaningless and unimportant. Having lived in a foreign country , that had many colourful traditions and saw the value in these, I came back to the UK and realised we had not maintained many of ours. I am glad we live in Wales, and have the opportunity for our children to experience this day and these age old traditions.