Outnumbered- Beavans 11 family blog

Friday, 30 March 2012

Happy Birthday Jono! 11 Today!!!!

I am constantly shocked how quickly time goes. The more children I have, and the older they get makes me appreciate each one more and the time I have with them, as it is so short.

It is hard to comprehend that Jono will be 11 tomorrow. He was my very special boy when Joshua died and gave me something to get up each morning for and helped me keep going throughout the day.

I hope you have a great day son!

Sleeping baby

Jono and Mummy in Prague

Jono with his collection of Little Mole Characters!

Such a precious photo of Jono and Joshua as we were making his hand and foot prints.

He was always happy to let the girls dress him up, poor thing!

In France , two years ago.

At his Grandmother's funeral.

On Caleb's first birthday.

Being enrolled into Scouts.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Determination gets you everywhere.

Bootcamp was cancelled tonight.
In my plight to shift the remaining weight as fast as possible, I have vowed to attend 5 -6 sessions a week.
This basically means self inflicted torture and pain constantly.
Without end.
So my only option of exercise today was to attend the morning session.
With the twins.
No mean feat I may add.
It took precisely three hours from getting up to getting out the door.
Anya woke and was fed, got Mair ready and did her hair. Caleb woke and was fed. Got myself ready. Did both washes and changes. Let them play whilst I packed up a travel cot, playmat, change bag, milks and foods, and bag of toys. I looked like I was going on holiday.
Fed them both breakfast, changed them again and packed them in the car.
By the time we arrived I felt like I had already completed a work out!
Then the twin dilemma.
A car load of stuff, two babies and just me.
Choose to try to lug all the stuff from the car to the gym first as the babies were safely strapped in their car seats.
Ran back to car.
Hmm now what.
Undid Anya, held her tight and undid Caleb.
By some miracle of science I managed to hold them both (bear in mind the weight 23 and 27 lbs now) and lock the car and make it through the gym doors.
Power yoga was just finishing.
A good job really, as the calm, inscent infested air was filled with twin screams.
Harmony shattered in an instant.
Then into the gym we trundled.
By this time I had given up and handed ' good twin' (Anya) to someone else who had taken pity on me.
Put up the travel cot, plonked in the playmat and all the toys and then the twins.
The class started.
They were so bemused it stunned them to silence...... well for ten minutes at least.
Anya spent the whole hour standing up, smiling and cooing at everyone and bouncing up and down. Caleb played with his toys then spotted me and winged.
I managed to complete the lesson, pack up the stuff and got help back to the car.
Drove to Costa where I sat outside in the sunshine, enjoyed a skinny latte and chilled.
I can't say I will do this every week, but it wasn't actually as bad as I thought.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

When saying 'no' is really hard

The 10 year old excitedly sat at the computer table. He has spent weeks compiling his birthday list and now came the time to unveil it, and order some things.
Okay so we are pushing it a bit fine this year, his birthdays on Saturday. We have just been so busy it has been impossible to sit down with him quietly.
Now was his moment. I knew what was on there, or at least I thought I did, as he has talked about nothing else for months. He knows roughly how much we have available to spend so had eagerly been scouring the net for the best sites and deals.
Lego is always a hot favourite of his. He collects The Star Wars sets and has a sizeable and enviable amount now, he builds them in a matter of minutes. His dream job is to be a designer in Legoland! There's a new Star Wars set out recently so I am guessing that some of this will appear.
His new love, is his scooter that he was bought for Christmas. I must admit my now scooter mad son's conversations are about as familiar to me as speaking Serbo -Croat, but I try. He wants some sort of modifications for his scooter for his birthday as well.
I have also been buying a few things along the way, and was secretly very pleased with myself in the January sales for securing a wonderful portable video player at a fraction of the usual price. We only have two tv's in the house. His constant whine is that one room has cbeebies after school and the other room the teens programmes. I felt at least he could have some peace and quiet to watch his Star Wars films on!
And so to the unveiling.
Up came Amazon UK.
Then ipod touch, new edition, black £145.00!!!!!!! with the 3 year insurance (I always insist on this) brought it up to £200. Completely over budget and nothing I had anticipated.
He saw my shock, and hastily added that after due consideration he had recently (hmm the last 24 hrs or so) changed his mind.
I am seriously thinking this has something to do with his best friend, and main influence on his life.
'Does so and so have one?' I ask, already knowing the answer.
'Oh yes' he enthusiastically replies not spotting the obvious trap.
'Well I am going to have to discuss this with Dad".
He groans, this was not what he had anticipated and follows with a barrage of very well rehearsed and eloquent reasons (he thinks I will like) why this is a good idea.
On discussion with dad the answer was no.
It was painful to break this too, him. I hate to see the child's dreams vanish from before his eyes.
Our reasons were well thought out, and the other teens had their say, namely "Thats so wrong at his age, we didn't get one so young, he will totally abuse the internet .....and so on'
They had several good points.
They know him well.
Yes, he was in our eyes too young for such an expensive piece of technology.
Yes he would most certainly (despite all his protests) abuse the internet.
He would be even more addicted to the tv/games/videos/ than he already is (and has a very strict time limit)
We would not be able to control easily what he downloads, watches or what influences him.At just 10 we felt this sort of technology was not for him.
He thought otherwise.
And made it VERY CLEAR we had not only ruined his birthday but the rest of his life!
It's so tough to say no, but they have to realise, that they cannot, yell, scream, holler and reason their way into you saying yes every time.
He has to learn, no means no.
Dad spent 15 mins patiently explaining our reasons.
He just didn't listen.
So dad said "I tell you what son, I have tried to explain why, so I will put it more simply. We are saying no and no means no."
Everything inside you screams how much you love that kid, you don't want him disappointed on his special day, yet you know you are making a wise choice.
Today I met him from school, slightly dreading the mood, as we had to come home and decide on some new presents.
To my utter amazement he was great. Really excited and happy to be showing me, yes you have guessed it, all the original things on his list. Far more suitable, age appropriate and I am sure will give him equally , if not more pleasure.
Kids!

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Bootcamp blog week 11-PROGRESS!

I am feeling much more encouraged this week as I stood on the scales this morning and have lost 4 lbs. If I do the same again next week I can wave bye bye to the number 11 now! woo hoo, at last.
I thought I was zooming up and down the scales like a game of snakes and ladders for the past month now, but obviously with all the zooming I am gradually making my way up the ladders.
Someone at work I had not seen for ages commented that the weight had dropped off me since having the babies,I smiled and said ' no, I have worked dam hard to loose every single pound".
With age, lack of sleep and everything else I am doing, I am not really surprised my weight fluctuates so much, it's just a bit depressing when you have had a really good day and workout and you stand on the scales the following morning to find to your horror you have infact gained 3 lbs...from where??? even sitting on the loo, re positioning the scales and taking off everything does not make that digital scale alter one jot.
I am beginning to hate those scales.
I was feeling encouraged enough to try on my outfit for Abies wedding. This was a big mistake. Clearly the girl in the photo is a size 4, thats why she looks slim and beautiful.She is probably only 25 as well.
I am not slim, nor beautiful and as you well know ,obviously not 25!
I did not look anything like I had hoped.
I had bought a bigger size than I need so I could have it taken in (when I have lost the vast quantities of weight). With growing horror, the zip seemed to struggle around my waist. So, on the plus side the bust and hips are huge, but oh deary me, too tight.
How did I feel? glamourous mother of the bride?
Nope, more like " My big fat purple wedding' I look , at present like a huge fat bunch of violets.
Not the look I was trying to achieve.
Still, I tell myself, even more motivation to work hard at bootcamp and watch what I eat.
I still find it hard to eat mainly protein but this is obviously working in my burning off the weight.
I have also found it such a struggle to exercise as they babies have been tried and wingey and up a lot at night. This has meant I have walked around feeling (and looking) pretty shattered. I know I cannot put in 100% when I am this tired which is irritating me.
So this weeks challenge?
To see no more number 11. Loose another 4lbs, attend at least 5 sessions, and again stick to protein.
Abie has signed up for the two week challenge so its good to have her with me as we die together! Susie comes along to weights as well, so its becoming more of a family affair!
3 lbs to loose then I have lost 2 stone.
2 stone!!!!!
I am so pleased.

Monday, 26 March 2012

A mother's grief revisited.....

Our beautiful beach that always gives me peace.

I have not been writing so much this past week because I have felt emotionally drained.
What little emotional energy I had left needed to be given to the children.
Grief Sucks.
It REALLY sucks.
Just when you think you have the whole thing wrapped up, sorted and under control you realise that you don't and it rears its head again in a form you would not have dreamt of.
Anyone who knows me well, knows I like to be organised. I like to have things planned. I do not enjoy surprises, they catch me off guard.
I have ,over the past 8 years since loosing Joshua built a 'safe' world around myself. One where I can pick and choose the situations I put myself into. Of course in teaching this cannot always be the case, however it is an environment I am familiar and at ease in.
Last week I had a catalyst of events that left me so tired and drained I actually made it to bed before midnight! (the last time I did that I think was when I was 14).
It all started with Mother's Day. A double whammy now. Not only do I miss Joshua, I miss my mum and treating her on this special day. It was also the twins birthdays, their first ones, I felt a huge wave of sadness that this was in all likelihood the last of my babies first birthdays ever. Yes, I know I will have lots of grandchildren, but for me that is not the same. These are my last babies, and they are growing up way too fast.
On Monday , I received a phone call asking me to appear on a radio programme either Tuesday or Wednesday to talk about Joshua and the charity. The interview wasn't hard and I felt I did a good job explaining things, however just being asked questions again, in a different way and being the 'bereaved parent' was tough, as most of the time I no longer see myself in that way.
The twins have been up a lot at night, and added to that mix my hay fever and allergies have all got really bad. Even my stronger antihistamines are not working so I have been scratching my eyes out and they are all swollen and runny too.
I was editing some photos of the twins later in the week.It suddenly struck me anew how facially alike Caleb is becoming to Joshua. How bitter sweet this is.
All in all, not a great week really.
I need to be more aware of my emotions and not to be so hard on myself sometimes. I need to be careful what I do and plan around this more, instead of just diving in without a second thought.
I need to remember I am now grieving twice, very differently, but there's a constant pain there still.
I am truly surprised at the intensity of my feelings this week.
I hope for a calmer and more peaceful week to regain my balance again.

Friday, 23 March 2012

If...............

A memorial service after Joshua's death (June 2004)

I was driving to work this morning, thinking about absoulty everything and this came into my head. How different my life would be IF.....

If I had never had children would I have an amazing career?
If I had only had one child, she would be getting married and starting a home of her own.
If I had only had two children, they would both be in their twenties and have left home.
If I had only had three children, they would all be adults now and the youngest would be applying to university now.
If I had only had five children the youngest would be preparing to go the sixth form .
If I had only had six children, they would all be teenagers now.
If I had only had seven children, they would all be in secondary school shortly.
If I had only had eight children, we would have ended our child bearing years with such a sadness.
If I had only had nine children now they would all be at school and I would be resuming my full-time job.
If I had not continued my pregnancy I would not have had the two most gorgeous babies.
If I have anymore children, this is my choice.
If I had listened to everyone else I would never have had so many blessings in my life!

Thursday, 22 March 2012

In the blink of an eye....my twins are ONE!

My precious babies have reached one!
How fast has that gone?
It has been the most amazingly tiring yet fantastic time.So many people wondered my sanity having more children I am sure, but I felt nothing but happiness and being so blessed with these two little souls. I love every minute of watching them grow and develop.
Anya is a beautiful, very stubborn, independent and funny little girl.Caleb is a very cuddly, handsome and sensitive little boy who loves to laugh!

Here is a snippet of their first year.