The memories that clothing evokes

9.5 years ago when Jono was just 2 and Susie was 9.

As I laid away all the Christmas Decorations in the attic, a job I had been putting off for months could no longer be avoided.

I went through the attic and found all the next years clothing for the twins, substantial as there are boxes of girls and boys clothing.

I still have to sort and pack away their present clothing, another odious task, but at least I have found the next sizes for both of them, thus saving a lot of trudging around shops and wasted money.

It is always so very bitter sweet laying away each stage of clothing, as it marks, sadly the passing of that stage of babyhood, and as at my age, each child is an amazing blessing, I am very much aware with the twins it is probably, the last time we will see this stage (but you never know!!!)

Something really sad hit me today as I took out all Jono's clothing and washed and dried this.

It has lasted perfectly in the attic for nine years, as our house has a large weight towards girls, rather than boys.

The clothing was packed away when Jono was two, when I was pregnant with Joshua, and the photos I have of Jono holding Joshua, are the clothes I am now laundering for Caleb to wear, as Joshua never had the chance to grow so big.

Jono cuddling Joshua

As I folded them, I remembered all the times Jono had worn them. Above is a photo of him in some of these with Susie. It's a good job little boys clothes are fairly timeless, as Caleb now has a huge new selection.

The strange thing is that Caleb looks a little like Joshua did, It is strange to see Joshua's very distinctive and different features on him, and how he is growing and developing gives me little flashes as too what Joshua may have looked like too.

Caleb Joshua

Perhaps it is a little ironic that in the year we celebrate Joshua's 10th Birthday, Caleb will be wearing those clothes. It is also comforting as well. They will defiantly be kept long after he has grown out of them, as precious memories of my sweet little boys.

What a disaster!

Anya feeling far from happy-I am with you there my girl!

It's fair to say this Christmas has rated as one of my worst.
Why?
Because of this blessed virus that has swept around our house with a vengeance, try as we might it does not want to go away.
Before Christmas the twins had it, and screamed the place down every night for over a week.I have never felt so deranged going into Christmas, then the other kids got it, then Simon got it and was ill for well over a week, I have never seen him that ill for years. This put paid to Christmas week, he managed the dinner, a supreme effort given how lousy he was feeling. Just as he recovered and we planned to do a few things with the children it struck me with a passion, and the twins once again!
I have felt grim.
So grim I have been unable to do very much at all, other than be a snuggler for movies and in my brighter moments a little more , other than the usual stuff that has to be done, that is!
I feel we have not done all the lovely things that we do, that the children have not been out as much as I had hoped and that it has well and truly spoilt some of the magic.
Stupid virus!
Bah humbug!

Where has this year gone.

My mother always used too say that the older you get, the faster time goes by.
It's true.
When I was a teenager time dragged, I remember.
Or was it just the utter boredom of revising for all those exams?
Now the years seem to fly by, and try as I might to hold onto my children's babyhoods and then childhoods they seem to be rapidly disappearing in front of my eyes and I hate it!
Each year, I take around 2-4,000 photos which I keep, print out , make books and stick in journals, to record our memories.
I look back on the year as I am doing it.
It is so very easy to look at the half empty glass, the things that worry us, that don't work, that cause us problems and stress, rather than the half full glass.
Choosing the half full glass, I would rather remember all the happiness that has outweighed these things.

• The health of us
• The health of our children
• Our jobs- that thank God , we still have!
• Our house, cramped and packed as it is.
• The lovely garden we have for the children to play in.
• The beautiful place we live and all the amazing things we can do.
• The joy the children bring us each day, the laughter that overpowers,the company, friendship and love.
• Our friends and the support and love they bring to us both and our kids.
• The simple pleasures in life, watching our friday night video, a lovely home cooked meal, a painted picture, a morning cuddle......
• The means to enjoy family holidays and times together and to capture these.

This new years eve, I wish you those things too. Yes it would be great to win the lottery, but money does not bring happiness and contentment. 

I wish you all a peaceful new year, I hope you fulfil more dreams and your health remains good. That the losses of the year gone will be outweighed by the pleasure still to come.

I no longer make resolutions, because they are too easy to break, instead I make a list of short term and long term goals I hope to achieve in the following year. I may not get there, but at least it gives me a focus.

Most of all, as my children grow at lightening speed I intend to enjoy them all as much as I can, before my house is silent and they are all long gone.

Thankfully I have a good few years left.

God bless.

Christmas Day is all about a special baby.....

On Christmas Day I would firstly like to wish everyone who reads this a wonderful day. We had a fantastic day which I will write about later on.

At Christmas we remember the birth of a very special baby, Jesus.

Today, I would like to share four more 'current' special babies.

The first, are our wonderful little blessings above, who are a constant joy and light in all of our lives.

The second, is my friend Sharon's new baby. I have written about Sharon and her daughter Freya in one of my previous blogs.

http://beavans11familyblog.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/pre-labour-c-section-could-have-saved.html

Mia, is now 13 days old, born at 31 weeks and not expected to survive on day 3 when she was severely ill. Amazingly she has, against all odds pulled through and is now off intensive care and in the special care baby unit. We thank God today for her incredible recovery and pray this will continue.

Lastly, is Joshua, who although in reality he would be 9.5 years old, he will, forever be our baby. We went to the hospital chapel as we always do on Christmas Day to dress the tree, light candles and remember him, as well as visiting Sharon.

Tomorrow myself, Miriam, Martha, Jono and Luke will remember him by plunging into the North Sea to raise valuable funds (Roughly £500 so far) for our charity www.joshuasboxes.co.uk. Some other wonderful souls will be joining us as well.

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas, and at this time remember the families who do not have a baby, have suffered a recent loss, and for the 20 families in the U.S.A having the most painful of Christmas's without one of their precious children present.

So this is Christmas....part two-Traditions

 Over the many years we have had the children, traditions have slowly and gradually developed out of life's events and things we feel are special and should be remembered. As the children grow and change some of these events have been replaced by others, some remain constant and if altered the children would all complain loudly!

I have for a long time, felt that the lead up to Christmas begins with packing the Christmas Boxes for Operation Christmas child. We have now packed boxes for 13 years and feel not only does it obviously help supply a present to one of many, many children who will receive nothing at Christmas time, but also, it reminds us that Christmas is a time go giving and how important that is. In a world, so filled with greed and commercialism I think it's important to start the season remembering those less fortunate than ourselves.

After this, on the night of the 4th and day of the 5th December, since living in Prague we celebrate Mikulas.

Mikulas (explanation follows)

When the children were little and we lived in the school, we used to dress up as Mikulas (Simon/dad) Andel (angel) and Cert (devil) we always choose one of our own children for the devil so as not to offend any parents and maybe lead to any misinterpretation as to why their child was chosen!!!

When we moved back there were some Czech students at the school we worked in so we continued to dress up. Now the children are older we still maintain it by making stacks of gingerbread to the Czech recipe (so much nicer). The children's friends , over the years have now come to expect them to bring in gingerbread at the beginning of December. We usually make around 3-400!!

The next thing we like to do with the children is to take them to some of the special events going on locally to help the Christmas build up. This year this included a trip to the local garden centre who had created the most amazing grotto and to Betws y Coed where they had a Christmas Market and candle march through the village. Some years we have gone ice skating when small rinks have been erected or to the larger Christmas Markets in Manchester.

Our tree is very unusual, as I posted last year with a description of each decoration. Each year we take the younger ones to choose some new and meaningful decorations, Mair went with gusto around the shop and we came away with a few more than bargained for!

We then spend a day or two putting up the tree with Christmas czech Carols and movies going on. All the children help from time to time and take great care with all the little things we put on. It is always much better with the tree, and lights up around the house, apart from having to move furniture to get it there in the first place!

This year I was very worried about the twins pre occupation with anything that is not a toy! I have been pleasantly (touches wood) surprised at their control over the tree after a few harsh "no's" they have kept away by and large....so far.

We try to watch at least one 'christmassy' film each weekend in the build up, as life is so busy in the week. The week before the children break up , is always utter madness and this year has been no exception! We are always left, no matter how hard we try , with a last minute rush on our hands.

Christmas Eve, is the day we celebrate (european style) with our meal in the evening. This has worked very well over the years as it has given us freedom on Christmas day to , in the past travel to my mothers home, and now for the eldest ones to have christmas lunch with their partners families each year without any arguments.

Dad cooks all the meal, admist a blaring out of classical music. He has done for years now and does it so well, no one has ever replaced him! We try to make it a bit more unusual and add a variety of things each year. The children all enjoy helping to make the pesto, and prepare the vegetables with dad. After we have prepared the food, I take the children out to the church service to leave dad some peace and quiet, but also for us to calm down and reflect with Christmas is all about.                                                                                     

When we have finished our meal and tided up we open some presents and then get the youngest children to bed. We allow the older ones to stay up and watch TV, thus meaning everyone goes to bed late and sleeps in on Christmas Day! Bliss!!!!

On Christmas Day we have a 'birthday party for Jesus' which basically means I put a lot of snack and party food on our huge table and the kids eat all day.Simon and I can then play with the children, help them construct toys and unwind rather than feeling the pressure of having to cook a formal meal.

At some point in the after noon we all make ourselves presentable and go to the hospital chapel where we remember Joshua. we have often taken sweets and cakes to the SCBU as well for the parents there.

We light candles for him and all his angel friends and place tags on the tree for our loved ones , so now , sadly for the second year this will include my mother as well, who is still much missed on Christmas Day.

Then we all come home and just enjoy being together and not having to do anything much at all!

For the past three year on Boxing Day I have attended the Boxing Day Dip, where a group of truly mad people all run into the sea for charity and some of my friends do this for Joshua's Boxes. For some strange reason this year I have agreed to do it. Lord knows why , as I hate water, cold and the sea! I will probably end up with a dreadful cold as well.

If you feel urged to sponsor me to do this, please do so on:

Just Giving

The rest of the holiday is spent doing a mixture of things including going to the local pantomime which is always very enjoyable.

On New Years Eve, we go bowling! our yearly 'treat' and then to Pizza Hut where again it's once a year as we rarely eat out as a family for obvious reasons! Again it's a lovely event that the children enjoy and look forward too.

I am sure as they get older still and move away and have families of their own they too will maintain some of these traditions as I am also sure we will adapt and incorporate new ones.

Traditions are lovely, they bring a special meaning to Christmas for us, they are looked forward too and talked about each year and are eagerly anticipated as well.

What are yours?

Still here!

I have not felt able to write this week, as however much I tried it all sounded to shallow and meaningless.
After a death nearer to home, hearing of the sudden sadness at the loss of a child, my dear friends new born baby in SCBU very poorly and then the shootings of 20 children exactly the same age as Mair, I struggle to think of very much else.
I cannot begin to comprehend the absolute horror of finding out your child has been shot, let alone gunned down several times with a rifle, to have injuries so horrific you cannot see them, but rather have to identify them by a photograph.
My mothering instinct would kick in, I would long to hold them, one last time, to be denied this, must make the pain so much worse.
I would be wondering what my child's last moments were like and would be tormented by these.
To kiss your child goodbye in the morning never realising it was for the very last time, is something no parent should endure, yet many have.
To write about my own family and it's trivialities at such a time, feels empty and hollow.
Instead, if you are reading this, pray for those families, cherish your own, live each day too the full, because we never know if it will be our last.

Sometimes we need to press the 'pause' button

I haven't written so much recently, because I have had several things going on personally that have distracted my attention and focused it rather sharply on where it needs to be.
Of course, in such a large family, when the pause button is pressed, this inevitably means that there is then a backlog of jobs that need to be done, when one resumes normal life again.

I am somewhere in between the two at present and with Christmas now looming on the horizon, my original smugness at being so organised has subsequently evaporated.
I am on near panic mode, or at least I will be by the end of the week.
Coupled with the fact the twins-who-never-sleep have decided to up their nigh time antics to a level where some nights we have just dealt with one after the other ALL night, and I mean ALL NIGHT!
Too their credit, they are so charming and adorable during the day it is hard to feel any animosity towards them, or maybe I am just too tired.
I can do tired, and really tired, but I think my levels of exhaustion hit and all time, 24 year childbearing low by last weekend.

As I said, sometimes life takes over.
On Monday, I had to drop work, and rearrange appointments to attend my friends mum's funeral in London. Her mother had been very kind to me as a child and obviously throughout the years we have kept in touch. It was an extremely moving service and although sad, she was an incredible lady who had lived her life too the full.
I left home at 6am and arrived back at 10pm.

On the way home, I walked from Waterloo Station along the Embankment filled with row upon row of Christmas markets, over Waterloo Bridge and through Covent Gardens and Leicester Square, old haunts as a teenager and enjoyable as for once I was on my own and not being pulled away every 2.5 seconds.

For all that, as I often find , after a couple of hours on my own, that was enough, I missed the children and all that was happening with them, so headed back to Euston and my busy, mad. chaotic life.
When we press the pause button and events take over, it gives us time to reflect, to put things once again in order and to appreciate what really matters, where to place our energy and what a waste other things really are.

At this time of year, it is especially good to do this, to put behind the mistakes and to know that a new year can bring a new start, a chance to do things differently and to make changes.

I have had a little time to sit back and reflect and feel all the better for having done so.